Some Questions Are Dumb Questions

As avid readers of intellectual magazines—you know, like The New Republic, The New Criterion, and Black Hair Care—we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have recently discovered a minor pet peeve regarding them. It’s not a big deal, but we simply must mention it.

Now, naturally, dear reader, we simply love the so-called little magazines and, regardless of this irritation, we would never put them down in favor of, say, Newsweek or some other feculent mainstream fluff. Still, we would be lying if we told you that nothing bothers us about these small circulation rags.

So what, you may be asking yourself, troubles the crack young staff? Well, as we said, it’s an admittedly minor issue, but it’s vexing all the same. We refer to the mindless use of questions for the titles of pieces for which every reader in his right mind knows the answer.

Allow us to offer a few examples. Say you’re perusing Commentary and you find a piece with the following heading: “Did the Jews Steal the Arabs’ Land?” Now, unless you are a complete dunce who has never laid eyes on Commentary before, you know the magazine’s answer to that query darn well: Sure as hell not.

Now what would give that answer away? Could it be that, say, Daniel Pipes is the article’s author? Boy, his views on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict sure are inscrutable, eh?

Personally, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” have the sneaking suspicion that even a functional illiterate—say, an American high school student—could figure out the answer from taking a gander at Commentary. Not that he’d do so, however; if our hypothetical illiterate were in fact a high school pupil in the US, he’d far prefer to use the magazine as a placemat for his bong.

Commentary, of course, isn’t the only offender of this “obvious question” irritation. In fact, far more insipid examples can easily found.

How about an article in The Nation that bears this title: “Iraq: Is It Time To Leave?” Gosh, just guess what the far-left loons at The Nation are going to say about that vexing query. After hammering home the idea that liberating Iraq was a disastrous idea since day one, perhaps they’ll finally come around to giving the occupation their blessing.

Maybe The Nation would be better served to offer questions such as the following as the titles for their unhinged ravings: “Do You Really Believe Anything Eric Alterman Says? Really?” “Is Katha Pollitt Angry at Men Because She Isn’t Attractive?” “Did the ‘Diary of a Mad Law Professor’ Lady Get her Teaching Job Due to Affirmative Action? Because She Doesn’t Make Much Sense or Write Well, Does She?”

Boy, those are some real brainteasers for the Nationistas.