Hate Mail Bag

As even the casual reader of this humble “weblog” may be aware, fans of our glorious animadversions are free to send us e-mail by clicking the “Contact Us” “link” at the top right-hand corner of their computer screens. Though we greatly enjoy keeping in touch with our numerous correspondents, we would be remiss if we did not mention that every once in a while we positively rue the day we installed our own e-mail “link.”

This is because, dear reader, occasionally we receive a slightly less pleasant missive. And, though we enjoy criticism as much as the next enraged Muslim, we must say that such e-letters tend to ruffle our feathers.

Why, just the other day, in fact, we were on the receiving end of a curt note from one Bob Schneider. Through the magic of “cut and paste,” we present the entire contents of his missive below:

Subject: Things I don't like...

Date: Sun, 12 Nov 2006 15:40:37 -0800

..about your weblog:

(1) The title. Sometimes embrace-the-slur works, but certainly not in this case.

(2) What's with the "whilst's" and "dear reader's"? They're obnoxious.

(3) Everyone likes Britt Hume. He's not a blow-dried idiot.

Well, gee: That’s a pleasant item to stare at on an early Monday morning. Really brightens up the week, eh?

Naturally, we needed to send Mr. Schneider a considered response. And here it is:

Subject: Things We Don't Like...

To: "Bob Schneider"

...about your e-mail:

(1) The lack of a salutation. Why not show some manners and write "Dear Crack Young Staff," or words to that effect? Not very classy, we'd say.

(2) A mean-spirited lack of constructive criticism. Surely we'd be more likely to take your comments to heart if they were addressed in a spirit of kindness?

(3) Obtuse criticisms. If your points were sensible, we'd be more impressed. But this is assuredly not the case. The notion that "Everyone likes Britt Hume," for instance, is absurd—even though we quite fancy him. It casts doubts on your other dubious—if not tin-eared—stylistic points.

Cordially,
The Crack Young Staff of THMQ

We figured that he required a little taste of his own medicine. That twit.

Which reminds us of our point: Why would you waste your time composing a nasty note to the staff of a “weblog” you hate? Perhaps if you had something substantive to say, or could point out a glaring error, it would be politic to send a letter.

But why the heck would you write in to quibble about our use of the word “whilst”? Man, Bob Schneider must have time on his hands the likes of which we’ve never even contemplated.

If he asked us, dear reader, we’d tell him to quit whilst he’s behind. That ass.

***

Speaking of asses, by way of a postscript we must say that we’ve been a bit of a donkey of late ourselves. One of our most cherished readers plays a role in a worthy cause: Operation Gratitude, which is gathering money to help disabled troops in a special way.

We officially exhort all three of our readers to check out the “website” of Operation Gratitude and donate some cash. It’ll make you feel good. And perhaps Operation Gratitude will chip in a little bit for a mallet for us, so that we can give Mr. Schneider a well-deserved bop on the cranium. That boob.