Carefully Wrought Ruminations on Britney Spears

Like everyone else in the civilized world, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” took in the recent news that Britney Spears will divorce Kevin Federline, her currently estranged husband. Thus, after two years of marital non-bliss, did Ms. Spears finally catch up with the rest of the world’s longtime understanding: K-Fed (soon to be Fed-Ex) is not marriage material.

Now, as the scrupulous (and even unscrupulous) reader of this humble “weblog” can well attest, we seldom concern ourselves with celebrity gossip. After all, the ingenious Sadie and her minions already do a wonderful job commenting on such popular detritus, and, furthermore, we must admit that we’re a little bit out of the contemporary celebrity loop. (Since when was Tim Conway not great material for the gossip-mongers?)

Still, we felt the need to mention Ms. Spears’ recent realization of Mr. Federline’s rather obvious matrimonial shortcomings because we think it sheds light on an important topic: Women’s choices. We have a hunch that Ms. Spears’ disastrous pick of her mate may speak to broader female difficulties making adequate choices that pertain to their personal lives.

First off, we suppose we ought to mention that we’re not composing this “post” as a means to score points against legal abortion in America. In this regard, we must say that we’re solidly “pro-choice.” If we weren’t, we have a hunch that our mothers might kill us.

Even so, dear reader, we believe that as much fun is made of Ms. Spears’ white-trash choice of mate, her oddball decisions are fairly typical of the weaker sex as a whole. We mean, come on: How many chicks did you know in college who blindly doted on some Neanderthalic fraternity member who liked his women like his beer—six at a time?

If you ask us, darn near every woman has fallen head-over-heels for a guy only slightly more morally upstanding than the guys in al-Qaeda. The more a guy positively screams “Acquaintance Rapist,” the more the ladies fawn all over him. It’s sad but it’s true.

It’s not the looks; it’s not the money. It’s the raw expression of power and cockiness that makes these girls get weak in the knees. Naturally, it will lead to disaster, but these future man-haters will have to discover this for themselves.

So, ladies, before you ridicule Ms. Spears for marrying that gangly, ill-bred oaf, you may just want to take a look in the mirror.