Aporia Regarding Justin Timberlake

A few of the young ladies here at "The Hatemonger's Quarterly”--let's just call them "Chip"--were standing by the water cooler, deep in conversation. The topic of this powwow? Why the incredible sexiness attributable to one Justin Timberlake, former boy band star and current black version of Michael Jackson. He is, like, so, like, cute.

Frankly, dear reader, the schoolgirl giggles over the likes of Timberlake from this handful of female staffers drove the rest of us crazy. To be honest, the rest of us--men and women--haven't a clue as to why these ladies--or any human beings, for that matter--could find Justin Timberlake even mildly attractive. Not one bit. Not at all. Nada.

Now, allow us to demonstrate that our general incredulousness regarding the attractiveness of Mr. Timberlake isn't some lame macho garbage aimed at demonstrating how very heterosexual we are. We aren't advertising some sort of studied aloofness to the hunks.

We can, for instance, completely understand why the weaker sex may get even weaker upon spying Hugh Grant. Sure, that floppy-haired oaf can't act his way out of a moist paper bag, but we'll agree he's dashing.

Further, we're entirely willing to admit that Ashton Kutcher is an understandable heartthrob for the gals. For some reason, as his appearances on MTV's "Punk'd" demonstrates, he has a complete inability to control the volume of his voice. But he's fetching all the same. Heck, even Fabio has an appeal--if you're a lower-middle-class, romance-novel reading piece of trailer trash. Which, if you're reading this "weblog," you probably are.

But Justin Timberlake? This is the guy who's "bringing sexy back"? Come on: He doesn't even have a sexy back. Or ankles. We just don't understand why anyone--even Elton John--would have a crush on this fellow.

For starters, he looks like a kid pretty much everyone one of us knew in high school. That is to say, he has perhaps the most indistinct late-teen-age sensibility going, and that is about as attractive as a lunch lady on meatloaf day.

Second, we suppose we ought to mention that his music is horrid. Now, that won't stop the gals from screaming, but it warrants a comment nonetheless. His songs are embarrassingly bad, the kind of fodder that women will soon be embarrassed they own. You know, like that old Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch cassette you have in your closet. You loser.

Perhaps women dig Justin Timberlake because he used to date Britney Spears; that would make an understandable case of "hotness by association"? But no one seems to pine for K-Fed even though he, at least, slightly resembles an adult. (A disturbingly unintelligent and ill-adjusted adult, but an adult all the same.)

So, what gives, ladies? Next thing you know, the fairer sex will tell us that they all have a thing for Jimmy Durante and Rip Torn. Hey, that Rip Torn's kind of sexy.