August 02, 2006


Greetings, readers of The Hatemonger's Quarterly. It is your Maximum Leader here in the fashionably appointed offices of the Crack Young Staff. This is day three of your Maximum Leader's week-long stint in the best guest blogger job in the whole length and breadth of Al Gore's Internets. He hopes that the Crack Young Staff has been wearing sunscreen, and keeping the windows cracked open on their Honda Civics. (It's been hot.)

No doubt by now you've heard of the worsening health of Cuban dictator Fidel Castro. Apparently the murderous Communist oppressor has been suffering from a bout of gastrointestinal bleeding. Bleeding so severe that Fidel had to give up de jure (if not de facto) power in Cuba to his brother Raul so that he might undergo corrective surgery.

Far be it for your Maximum Leader to wish ill upon anyone. But he'll make exceptions for a few people in the world. Fidel Castro is among those he'll wish ill upon. One has to wonder if the gastrointestinal bleeding might be a result of severe ulcers; the cause of which might be years of guilt over the suffering he's caused his people. Then again... They might not be.

In light of Fidel Castro's condition, your Maximum Leader will preview death statements prepared for the day when Castro slips from this mortal coil:

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez - "The people of Cuba have lost a great leader. I have lost a great friend. The United States has lost an implacable enemy. The world has lost a remarkably snappy dresser."

Anti-war activist and suck-up to South American dictators Cindy Sheehan - "Fidel Castro was my lover. He was a tender lover. He said that one day he would leave Cuba and join me in Texas so we could continue my protests against the most evil man in the world, George W. Bush. I miss him so much..."

Former American President James Earl Carter - "I've not always seen eye-to-eye with President Castro. While I was President I had to uphold the US embargo of Cuba, even though I saw the suffering it caused the Cuban people. I was a little put out when Fidel emptied his prisons and sent all those people to Miami, but I understood that he was only reacting to an overbearing and unjust foreign policy maintained by the United States. By the way... Have you seen my Nobel Peace Prize?"

Actor and Friend of Cuba, Danny Glover - "I am deeply saddened by the loss of Fidel Castro. Castro was a friend to me, and many of my enlightened Hollywood friends. Fidel, and he was Fidel to me, frequently had me and Harry Belafonte down to his palace outside Havana. We'd go on all weekend drinking binges to celebrate universal health care and universal pre-school for all Cubans. Good times... Yes... Good times... I'll miss Fidel greatly."

Singer and Activist, Harry Belefonte - "The loss of Fidel Castro is a loss for the oppressed people of the world. Cuba is a model for the world. I wish that the United States was more like Cuba. There is no racism in Cuba, everyone is free and equal. The people of Cuba have Fidel Castro to thank for that."

New Cuban President, Raul Castro - "What the hell? Fidel is dead? Holy crap! I've gotta get the heck outta here! Sweet Jeebus! Where did Fidel put that bank account info? Damn! Where is Hugo's cell phone number? Venezulea, that's the ticket! Damn! Is my jet fueled? I've gotta get outta here before anyone here figures out what's happened. Why did Fidel have to go first? Why oh why? I'm screwed! Royally screwed! My life sucks! Curse you Fidel! Why did you leave me like this? Some brother you were Fidel... Mama told me you were going to leave me like this... Gotta get outta here..."

There you have it dear readers, a preview of what your Maximum Leader thinks you'll see any day now.

Carry on.

Posted at August 2, 2006 12:51 AM | TrackBack