Preliminary Thoughts on Israel

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have followed recent news from the Middle East with nervous interest. For some reason, this usually calm area of the world has become—mirabile dictu—a tinderbox of sorts. Who knew that Arab leaders would prove so hot-headed and intransigent? Certainly not us.

Naturally, the governments of Greece and Russia have put in their two cents. (Presuming that their currency is currently worth that much.) And, fountain of civilization that it is, Greece condemned the reaction of the Israeli government. Ah, yes: That pesky Israel and its petulant desire to exist. Whatever shall we do?

Not to be outdone, Russia opined that the Israeli retaliation was disproportional. Yep, you read that right: Vladimir Putin’s quasi-authoritarian kleptocracy castigated Israel for overreacting to the kidnapping of Israeli soldiers and the incessant bombing of Israeli territory.

Um, forgive us if we remember incorrectly, but we seem to recall this incident in a Russian school in which an inept attempt to foil the machinations of Muslim terrorists led to the killing of all and sundry. Wouldn’t this be a locus classicus of overreaction? As such, taking advice on dealing with terrorism from Russia is much like chastity tips from Nicole Ritchie—they ain’t going to get you that far.

It is curious, is it not, that the world ineluctably treats Israel in this way. Before Ehud Olmert even troubled himself to respond, you could already hear the faint condemnation of Kofi Annan. Apparently, Kofi took some time off of his busy grafting schedule to stand up for human rights—like the kind on display in Darfur. Excuse us if we prefer our UN officials corrupt, not morally obtuse and corrupt. Is this too much to ask?

Now, let’s see if we can get this all straight: After unending bombing and kidnapping, Israel should…do nothing? Perhaps this would stop the “unicycle of violence” that is the Palestinian people. Or maybe this would take us one step closer to a world without a Jewish state.

Hmmm: We wonder how many of Israel’s critics would savor such an eventuality. Perhaps we’d better ask David Duke. Or maybe Walt and Meirsheimer. They’re among Israel’s expert detractors.

We know what you’re thinking: Israel suffers an outrageous attack and yet, in the eyes of much of the world, it can’t do right. Which country does that remind us of?

And people wonder why the US feels such a close kinship with Israel.