Can You Rediscover Nothing?

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” don’t tend to discuss celebrities. Frankly, Sadie already does such a wonderful job of it; we’d only look bad by comparison.

And we must say that we find gushing over assorted A-Listers and B-Listers a tad sordid. We’d much prefer to take on, say, inept collegiate op-eds. Yeah, that’s much classier.

Today, however, we decided to drop our usual shtick and mention a recent article that pertains to one Paris Hilton, perhaps the most famous woman in the world for doing nothing. (She’s kind of like the Calvin Coolidge of female heiresses. Only not from Massachusetts.)

Now, given how little we keep up with celebrity culture (we use that word in the anthropological sense, of course), you must forgive us, dear reader, if we are making a fuss about old news. No, we’re not going to wax distraught over the break-up of Genesis—our news isn’t that old. (And we surely wouldn’t be distraught about that.) Still, we may be a bit behind the times. So bare with us (as Paris herself might).

A recent on-line story in the gossip pages of The Sun informs us that Paris Hilton made a fairly interesting claim on the feculent “Regis & Kelly” television program. According to Beci Wood, the Sun “author” responsible for this puff-piece, Ms. Hilton “has put herself on a one-year sex ban.”

You see, Ms. Hilton believes that “steering clear of all sexual activity will help her to ‘rediscover’ herself.” Apparently, she claims that her previous lasciviousness has hindered her development.

Naturally, a couple of things come to mind:

1) Paris Hilton isn’t a virgin? Darn, you could have fooled us. Next you’ll tell us that Britney Spears puts out. What a shame. We weep for the future.

2) A year without sex? We speak for most of the male crack young staffers when we say: Uh, that isn’t exactly news. If it is, we should be on the A-List. And most of the distaff staffers are at least B-Listers.

3) Ms. Hilton’s drive to “rediscover herself,” if that isn’t a synonym for something untoward, is certainly noble. But, given what she has to “rediscover,” she may just want to go back to fornicating like a rabbit.