American Soccer “Fans”

Well, dear reader, we tried. For almost a quarter of an hour, we took time out of our busy schedules and parked ourselves in front of the television for a rousing bit of soccer. As everyone else outside American knows, the FIFA World Cup is currently taking place in Germany, and we figured we’d see what the fuss was all about.

But, quite frankly, we found it simply un-viewable. In fact, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” considered it so dull that its popularity throughout the earth left us baffled. In this respect, soccer is just like Phil Collins.

We mean, come on: Here were two insignificant countries, whose young men would be better served working on their nation’s GDPs, kicking a soccer ball back and forth, standing still for long bouts of time, and generally doing nothing entertaining. All the while, the audience—which clearly loves low scores as much as it savors ties—was enraptured, howling chants and singing rousing songs.

What the heck is going on here? If the people of the world find Americans so stupid, why do they take delight in a game only slightly more pleasurable to watch than golf? Soccer hooligans can’t control themselves over this nonsense? Gosh: Soccer makes curling seem like D-Day. The enthusiasm is baffling. It defies logic.

But perhaps what particularly troubles us, dear reader, is the American contingent of soccer fans. Sure, the people of Ecuador may enjoy soccer, but, hey, it’s not as if they have much of a hockey season. (After all, when only three people in your country can afford skates, a hockey match is tough to come by.) Yet there’s simply no excuse for American soccer fans.

In fact, we’ve noted that many an American World Cup enthusiast is actually a pathetic Europhile in disguise. He may pretend to be a soccer devotee, but he’s really just attempting to seem cosmopolitan. You know: If they love it in Amsterdam, it’s got to be really chi-chi.

Naturally, these pseudo-soccer fans always look upon the object of their phony desire as quintessentially European. Never mind that folks elsewhere in the globe like soccer. After all, they think, what’s cosmopolitan about impoverished countries?

No, these ostentatious lamebrains are fake soccer fans because they think it makes them seem more like a guy named Jap van der Putten or Klaus Himmelschmitt. They’re the kinds of people who love Europe’s Formula One racing, but think Nascar is simply awful. Yeah: “Nigel Mansel” does sound a lot classier than “Ricky Rudd,” doesn’t it? You poseurs.