The Gentile Lobby

Like darn near all Americans, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” love reading academic working papers. In fact, we find them quite satisfying: If professors hardly trouble themselves to show up to the office now and again, at least their essays are doing a bit of working.

As such, we took delight in perusing “The Israel Lobby,” the now infamous working paper by one Stephen M. Walt and one John J. Mearsheimer, a shortened version of which was printed in a rag called The London Review of Arab Propaganda.

If we recall correctly, Mr. Mearsheimer serves as the outgoing Dean of Harvard’s Bin Talal School of Public Policy, and Mr. Walt is currently the David Duke Distinguished Professor of Semitic Studies at the University of Chicago. But, to be honest, we may not recall correctly.

Anyway, we found “The Israel Lobby” an interesting piece. And by “interesting,” of course, we mean “completely wrong.” In short, the longwinded essay is a locus classicus of anti-Israel animus, which aims at stopping America from supporting the lone Jewish state. Apparently, Mr. Walt and Mr. Mearsheimer would delight in the slaughter that would result from such an American about-face. Well, as we always say, to each his own.

Others have noted the shoddy arguments and distorted facts that make up “The Israel Lobby.” But that’s not what we want to discuss. Rather, we think that Walt and Mearsheimer are totally off-base in their assessments. In fact, we think they got things entirely backward.

Allow us to explain. After much careful research and a working paper of our own, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are ready to tell the truth about America and the Middle East. To this end, we want to inform you about what we have delicately labeled the “Gentile Lobby.”

If we may be bold, we think that it is this insidious cabal—and not a handful of Jews at the American Enterprise Institute and AIPAC—that is really controlling our country. In fact, we think it’s high time that someone spoke up about this pernicious non-Jewish conspiracy. Non-Jews have hijacked American foreign policy, and we simply must put a stop to it!

Our proof? Oh, we’ve got oodles of it.

First, need we mention that every American president—every single last one of them—is not Jewish? Simply breathtaking, isn’t it? And, Alexander Cockburn ravings notwithstanding, this is also true of President George Bush. Actually, he’s a notorious gentile.

But we can continue. The current secretary of defense is not a Jew. The current secretary of state is not a Jew. The current vice-president is not a Jew. The list goes on and on and on.

To be honest, we think it’s really amazing that no one has noticed it before. But this merely demonstrates the power of the Gentile Lobby: Simple mention of its existence ruins careers, ruins lives.

Think about this: Non-Jews have a virtual lock on the American electoral system. With the exception of a few areas in New York and Florida, the entire country is teeming with non-Jewish voters. In fact, gentiles are the most powerful electoral block in the United States. They essentially decide national elections all on their own.

And consider the number of non-Jewish organizations that help tilt American foreign policy in a distinctly gentile direction: The Christian Coalition; the Teamsters; AARP; the Girl Scouts; the John Birch Society; the Rainbow Coalition. These are just a few of literally thousands (perhaps millions) of groups that ensure non-Jewish dominance in American affairs.

Clearly, we are talking about a very weighty problem. Perhaps George Soros and Stephen Spielberg will fork over some cash to rectify this dire situation? And maybe we can enlist Michael Moore or Oliver Stone to do some sort of even-keeled documentary about it?