A Conspiracy Revealed

The diligent reader of this humble “weblog” may realize that many of us are essentially conservative in their political persuasion. In fact, informal polling around the office water cooler suggests that nearly 47 percent of the crack young staff considers itself neoconservative.

Accordingly, we feel as if we are in a good position to let a particular cat out of a particular bag. Ever since the dawn of time, it seems, various nutters have believed that the world is controlled by a small number of evildoers: Members of the Council on Foreign Relations; Jews; Jim Carey; et al. Yet the publication of the feculent paper “The Israel Lobby” by two prominent academics-cum-anti-Semites has pushed the conspiracy theorists even further into the limelight.

And we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” think it’s high time that those in the know, as they say, finally admitted the truth. We may not make too many friends in conservative circles with this acknowledgement, but we think people ought to know what’s really going on.

So, dear reader, if you must know, here it is. The world is entirely run by Irving Kristol. Mr. Kristol, father of the neoconservative movement, intellectual journalist, and think-tanker, has been fully in charge of the universe for 23 years. Before him, Norman Podhoretz was running things for a while.

Many people, then, mistakenly believe that Jews control the universe. Not true: Mr. Kristol does it all by himself; since he’s actually Jewish himself, we suppose this means that Jew controls the universe.

Everything in your life—taxes, kitchen appliances, children, mortgages, stuffed animals—are under the spell of Mr. Kristol. The Red Sox won the World Series in 2004 because Mr. Kristol figured it’d be a good idea. All is in his power.

Admittedly, this may seem farfetched to some. But, if you think really hard about it, Mr. Kristol’s firm grasp on the universe helps us understand a few things.

Before you realized Mr. Kristol’s powers, how could you account for the successful careers of Britney Spears, Scott Baio, Kevin Costner, and Pauly Shore? There’s no way, is there? But now, it’s all clear: Mr. Kristol has a very dark sense of humor.

So, the next time your anti-Semitic co-worker or esteemed Harvard dean natters on about Jews controlling the world, tell him to drop the “s.” A Jew—not Jews—controls the world, and you ought to stop blaming the rest of them for one man’s sins.