The Tyranny of the Southpaws

Every once in a blue moon, dear reader, a story crosses our collective desk that seems destined to change the face of America as we know it. We can’t think of any examples, but be a pal and take our words for it.

Recently, just such an article came to our attention a few days ago. Culled from The Weekly Telegraph, the expatriate version of London’s esteemed Torygraph, the short piece is likely to alter your vision of the world for decades to come.

For your benefit, dear reader, we have reproduced the story in its entirety:

Left-handed men are paid more

Left-handed men earn around five per cent more than their right-handed colleagues, but for left-handed women the opposite is true, according to a study published by the Institute of Fiscal Studies. Dr Kevin Denny, an economics lecturer at University College Dublin, said it was hard to explain the difference found by his team.

Hard to find the difference? Hard to find the difference! Oh, come on, man: Clearly, we are talking about a malignant hegemony of the southpaw. How else could you explain this outcome?

After all, our feminist pals have brilliantly argued that any disparity—real or imagined—between men and women is the result of the evil patriarchy. Clearly, then, the differences in wages earned by right-handed and left-handed men can only be the result of some sort of discrimination.

Now, we admit that the bit about female southpaws earning less is a tad trickier. But, ever attentive to the doyennes of feminist theory, we think we’ve come up with a persuasive rationale to explain this.

Left-handed gals are merely “internalizing the oppressor.” Admittedly, that’s not a particularly good rationale—it actually doesn’t make sense—but how much feminist theory makes sense?

Approximately 47 percent of the crack young staff is right-handed, and this portion is currently clamoring for all manner of remedies for this odious discrimination: Right-Handed Cultural Centers on college campuses; mandatory anti-southpaw diversity workshops at businesses; “Take Your Right-Handed Son To Work Day”; the foundation of the National Organization for Righties; &c.

With perseverance, we may finally end this tyranny of the southpaw. Until then, perhaps you may want your son or daughter to enroll in Right-Handed Studies classes at the local university.