The Third Annual Week of Loathing (Day the Third): Women Who Wear Skimpy Clothes and Don’t Like People Staring at Them

Okay, dear reader: Two days down, and three to go. It’s been a marvelous Third Annual Week of Loathing so far, if we must say so ourselves. There is no reason, moreover, to think that it’ll get any less wondrous.

Our previous targets of contumely—Sarah Vowell, the United Nations—are perhaps rather obvious targets. What non-lesbian omnivore, after all, doesn’t hate Sarah Vowell? And what non-corrupt administrator doesn’t detest the UN? As far as we can tell, only Benon Sevan, Jane Fonda, and Kofi Annan still esteem the UN. Oh, along with Arab totalitarians and the Democratic Party.

Regardless, in today’s humble installment of the Third Annual Week of Loathing, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” decided to excoriate a less quotidian subject. In the first installment of the Week of Loathing, we ridiculed so-called posterior penmanship—the practice of wearing pants and shorts with words written on their hind ends.

In keeping with this theme, our official long-winded title for today’s object of scorn is: “Women Who Wear Skimpy Clothes and Don’t Like People Staring at Them.” This is not, we must add, a choice only supported by the gentlemen on staff (who make up roughly 47 percent of our team). Rather, this irks the ladies as well.

We got the idea for this particular target from a Bikram yoga session one of our senior editors—let’s just call him “Chip”—attended. As we noted long ago, a few of the males on staff (cajoled by the female staffers) took up Bikram hot yoga in a fruitless attempt to meet women. So far, they’ve only met gay guys—lots of gay guys.

Anyway, at one particular installment of Bikram hot yoga, a young woman was in attendance whom “Chip” had never seen before. And believe us, “Chip” would have noticed her—lying on her yoga mat in the first row of the class, this gal wore only a string bikini.

A string bikini?! Yep, that’s right: A string bikini.

Now, don’t get us wrong, dear reader: Bikram yoga is performed in a room that is a sweltering 110 degrees, or thereabouts. You best not show up to class clad in a fur coat.

But, for crying out loud, have a little bit of class—a jog bra, some spandex shorts, a T-shirt, &c. There’s no darn reason to wear your skimpy beach attire there.

We mean, come on: Among the moves one must perform is a standing spread-eagle split, for which one must bend completely over and grab beneath your feet. In a string bikini, one doing this maneuver looks less like a Bikram yoga student and more like an extra in a rap video.

To make matters worse, this gal intermittently eyed the rest of the yogis in class, making sure that no one was looking at her! How inane! You’re in a string bikini; you’re bending over like a thin white guy on his first day in prison; and you’re wearing a string bikini. Who the heck wouldn’t stare at you?

As far as “Chip” could determine from the rest of the yoga patrons—male and female alike—the answer to that is no one at all.

So, come on, girls. No one is saying that you “deserve” any particular kind of response as a result of your sartorial choices. It’s your body, and you can do what you want. But stop feigning surprise when other humans notice your Daisy Dukes.