Très Ambivalent

Numerous “webloggers” are having a veritable field day with the latest unrest pervading France. And no wonder: Silver-spooned college students have taken to the rues to protest the government’s new measures to drop the country’s unemployment rate from its current 133 percent level. Ah, the audacity! The fascists!

Yet we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” find ourselves a bit torn by the whole situation. We fully understand why our “weblogging” colleagues would treasure these riots; after all, the youngsters’ animus seems so histrionic and dumb. We mean, come on: France already has a 2-hour workweek; what else do these stuck-up brats want?

The kids in France are posturing as revolutionaries, but, in reality, they hope to put a stop to any kind of change. And this is ridiculous: France can’t survive on a fromage-based economy forever. Pretty soon the nation will have to diversify—like selling bomb belts for many of its Muslim inhabitants.

Regardless of how delicious the youngsters’ protests are, we must admit that we feel a bit torn over the whole thing. That is to say, we simply can’t take the French government’s side on the matter.

And for good reason: The mastermind—if that is the mot juste—of the new policy is none other than French Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin, the country’s erstwhile Foreign Minister.

As you ought to recall, Villepin is the self-touted anti-imperialist who curiously has great esteem for Napoleon. This goon made life tough for the US in the run-up to the liberation of Iraq, and thus we greatly enjoy bratty kids making life tough for him.

So we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” say: Keep it going, you youthful pseudo-Bolsheviks! Why fight against Villepin’s insidious labor law alone when there should be so much else in contemporary France to trouble you?

Take to the streets, kiddies! France doesn’t guarantee the Frog equivalent of the six-figure salary to all its inhabitants. What’s up with that? The government doesn’t offer free berets on every street corner. Why not?

To make matters worse, France considers itself a civilized country, and yet it has granted a film career to Gerard Depardieu. Even odious America wouldn’t stoop that low! (Although, let’s be honest: Pauly Shore is close.)

If you ask us, the protesters are a bunch of pussies if they don’t get the government to agree to the following concessions:

1) France must be renamed Guevara Land. That is, of course, until it immigrant population renames it Arafatia.

2) France must implement a –3-hour workweek. That way, everyone gets even more free time.

3) Free clove cigarettes.