Would Someone Please Tell Jimmy Carter To Shut the Hell Up?

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” quite naturally detest Jimmy Carter, the worst president of the 20th century. On occasion, we feel mildly bad about despising him so much. After all, he has spent an awful lot of time helping Habitat for Humanity, which is surely a noble cause.

Yet just when we start to feel as if we’ve given President Carter a bad rap, he ostentatiously pushes himself back into the political spotlight by making some asinine speech or coming to some moronic conclusion. And then we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” begin to believe that we didn’t sufficiently loathe this peanut-farming dipstick.

In such moments, we oft turn to the wisdom of Joe Queenan, humorist, Democrat, and expert Carter-basher. In his magnum opus, Red Lobster, White Trash, and the Blue Lagoon (1998), Queenan offered a particularly delightful excoriation of this Idiot-in-Chief:

I knew that Jimmy Carter’s latest book Living Faith was going to be ghastly. This was a knockoff job in which Carter explained how God had helped him through the tough patches in his career. Needless to say, Carter was not especially lucid on the subject of why God allowed Ronald Reagan to kick his ass in 1980.

My God hates double-digit prime interest rates, and will move heaven and earth to make sure a ninny like Carter is quickly ejected from the White House.

Darn right, Mr. Queenan.

And yet, although long since summarily chucked from office, Carter can’t stop nattering on about the world’s problems. Suddenly, this one-term chucklehead is a fountain of political wisdom.

Yeah, right: Future presidents can’t make any foreign policy mistakes, because Jimmy Carter already made all of them. Somehow, this boob thinks that cuddling up with tin pot Stalins like Fidel Castro and Hugo Chavez is going to endear him to the American public. What a jackass.

Just in case you think we’re being too harsh on this nincompoop, take a gander at Carter’s essay “It’s not too late for lasting peace in the Middle East,” which appeared in Britain’s Guardian. In this piece, Mr. Carter makes all the tell-tale blunders one associates with a political lightweight: failure to grasp even the rudimentary background to his subject; mind-numbing naivete; feculent moral equivalence; &c.

As if to prove President Carter’s status as a Grade-A doofus, the folks at The Guardian have subtitled his piece “Israel should withdraw from the occupied territories and its right to exist must be recognized by all Arabs.” Gee, thanks for that pearl of wisdom, you pathetic dolt.

In the course of his lame-brained article, Carter chiefly blames the Israeli occupation for the continuing conflict. Oh, sure: That’s the real reason, you fool. If we recall our history correctly, the Arabs were a little peeved with Israel between 1947 and 1967, before Israel had any control of the occupied territories. We wonder why that would be. Perhaps our one-term dipshit can figure out that brainteaser.

Surely the most rebarbative part of the essay is the following sentence:

There is little doubt that accommodation with Palestinians can bring full Arab recognition of Israel and its right to live in peace.

Little doubt? Little doubt! Is this moron serious? Maybe Jimmy Carter should learn two words: Oslo and Taba. We think he’ll find that “accommodation with Palestinians” hasn’t gotten Israel very far.

After taking in this pernicious, cliché-ridden fluff, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are still sufficiently kind-hearted to offer the Prince of Stagflation a little advice: Shut the hell up; never say another word about politics again in your life; and start building some more houses.

Perhaps the American people can then begin the process of attempting to forget what a lousy president you were.