March 02, 2006

The Maine Event

Like darn near all God-fearing Americans, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” don’t spend much time thinking about Maine, the state that appears to excel in lobster and Klan rallies. (Or maybe it’s just lobster—the Klan doesn’t take too kindly to red crustaceans.)

Although Maine is likely every bit as ethnically diverse as New Hampshire and as clement as Wisconsin, we just don’t find ourselves pondering it very often. Until, that is to say, now.

An article in the chattering class’ Paper of Record has left us deeply worried about this self-proclaimed “Vacationland.” It appears as if the state may degenerate into an uninhabitable tundra.

No, this doesn’t have anything to do with global warming, or global cooling, or even global staying-the-same-temperature. Rather, it is much more severe. Take a gander at some snippets from the piece in question:

Live Lingerie Show Stopped After a Model Is Threatened

Live lingerie models are no longer luring customers to downtown Augusta, Me.

The models, clad in thong underwear, feather boas or figure-hugging dresses, had appeared in the window of a lingerie store there, Spellbound, since September.

The display prompted debate between those in the city who thought it creatively drew attention to the store and others who saw it as risqué and indecent. A Christian group protested outside the store on Feb. 11, when it held a Valentine’s Day open house.

The owner of the shop, Felicia Stockford, said she stopped the display about a week ago after one of the models received a threatening phone call and the tires on her car were slashed….

Ms. Stockford said she planned to sell the store in Augusta, a city of 24,000 in central Maine, and hoped to open another in Portland, Me., or Salem, Mass., places she said were “more liberal.”

We know what you are thinking, dear reader: What will become of the thriving metropolis known as downtown Augusta? The beloved state capital will be a veritable desert if Ms. Stockford packs up and heads elsewhere. What will the hip resident(s) of Augusta do without such climate-appropriate gear as thongs? Perhaps they’ll have to travel all the way to Abercrombie & Fitch to get them! Heaven forbid!

Still, we must say that Ms. Stockford has potentially made an excellent choice for her backup city. If we recall our American history correctly, Salem, Mass. is a real liberal hotbed. We wonder how pleased Goodie Stockford is when she finds out the local penalty for indecent exposure isn’t as niggling as tire-slashing—it’s an old fashioned hanging.

Posted at March 2, 2006 12:01 AM | TrackBack