Like, Take That!

Like any reasonable people on God’s green earth, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” despise teenagers. And we do not, we hasten to add, despise teenagers with the typical laxity and good cheer of the average citizen. Rather, we loathe these 13- to 19-year-old irritants with an undying passion.

Perhaps you are wondering why this is so. Frankly, if you aren’t entirely sure, we’re willing to bet that you’re either preternaturally forgiving or brain dead. And we’re betting on the latter.

We suppose we ought to note how irksome teenage conversations ineluctably prove. They seem to go a little something like this:

Teenager A: And I was like, that is, like, so none of your business.
Teenager B: That is, like, so, like, awesome.
Teenager A: And he was like, you have got to be, like, kidding.
Teenager B: That is, like, so like him.
Teenager A: And I was like, that is so not the point.

If you ask us, anyone who does not want to kill those who utter such inanities has serious problems.

As if such an argot were not sufficiently upsetting, there’s the matter of teenage pertinacity. Pretty much every teenager believes that he is the fountain of Great Truths. Ah, yes, world-weary 17-year-old: You understand life’s great questions in a way other human beings do not. Now go do your math homework. You chucklehead.

It is with great excitement, then, that we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” took in the news of a new anti-teenager device. The Times of London reports:

Screams used to win peace

High-frequency noise is being used in an experiment designed to curb antisocial behaviour in young people (Russell Jenkins writes). A black box, or “mosquito unit”, was hidden by the safer communities partnership at Rochdale at a place where rowdy teenagers gather. The unit emits a scream teenagers can hear that is virtually inaudible to anyone else.

We know what you are thinking, dear reader: How can we get one of these “mosquito units” for our “weblog”?