Taking on an Insignificant Loser

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” know that many respected journalistic outfits refuse to offer commentary regarding their more truculent and wrong-headed detractors. After all, such commentary merely highlights the original criticisms, which are usually beneath contempt.

Unfortunately for a certain pathetic dolt, however, we at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” don’t play by those rules. As far as we’re concerned, any nincompoop who takes aim at us—no matter how sniveling, how moronic—deserves a shot back. This may serve unwittingly to advertise for said ignoramus’s point of view, but it has the benefit of allowing us to rip into the buffoon. And, quite frankly, we’re more than willing to make that trade-off.

Okay, so enough with the throat-clearing. Bring on the polemic.

Well, a certain “weblogger” named Scott, who is a student at Hamilton College, chose to make a negative reference to this humble “website” in the course of his rambling, unfocused discussion of the recent Danish Muhammad cartoons fiasco. Scott, who goes by the odd tag “squid314,” certainly has plenty of time to offer the world his rebarbative views, since, as you can tell from his picture, he clearly isn’t a chick magnet.

In fact, Scott appears to be something of a nerd’s nerd: At the beginning of his expatiation, he explains that he decided to reflect on this topic because its his “way of dealing with my D&D group rescheduling and then deserting me once again” (the emphasis is the nerd’s).

We know what you are thinking, dear reader: Wow, that’s uncommonly lame. This chucklehead is practically an über-loser. If your Dungeons & Dragons group is leaving you out of the loop, you are essentially the collegiate equivalent of a leper among the untouchables.

And, again, his photo seems to bear this out: He looks as if he’s been repeatedly hit with a flail that does about three to six points of damage. His is a face, apparently, that even a Dungeon Master can’t love.

So what, you may be asking yourself, did Scottie say that so upset members of the crack young staff? Well, here’s what the “webloggers” would call the “money quote”:

Amusingly, if you look at humor that really IS racist or at least anti-minority, it's almost always on the surface a condemnation of white people to mock the politically correct view that white imperialism is the source of many problems. The aptly named Hatemongers' Quarterly [sic], which is not REALLY racist but certainly not overly friendly to minority causes, is one among many examples (the emphasis is the loser’s).

Okay, so, according to this chucklehead, the crack young staff isn’t exactly a passel of racists, but we’re “certainly not overly friendly to minority causes.” And, apparently, we deny that “white imperialism is the source of many problems.”

Well, gee, where do we begin? We suppose we ought to mention that there is a tiny difference between being racist and not being “overly friendly to minority causes.” Perhaps a college education will help clear up this trifling distinction. But we doubt it: Scottie doesn’t appear overly-friendly with logic.

As loath as we are to clear our good names for the benefit of Scott the Left-Out Dungeon Master, we think we should inform him that we favor a society in which people are judged by the content of their character, not by the color of their skin. If this makes us not “overly friendly to minority causes,” so be it.

Second, we must say that we’ve never offered any comments on the nature of “white imperialism,” and the problems it has wrought. Perhaps we’ve been too busy making fun of more weighty topics, like karaoke and Billy Joel. Or, for that matter, D&D dweebs whose heads are swimming with poorly digested palaver about “white imperialism.”

We think, however, that we should thank Scottie for his suggestion that our “website” is aptly named. Just because he seems not to have read it—and thus “links” to our old “Blogspot” address—there’s little reason to suppose his opinion is incorrect.

May we suggest, however, that “squid314” isn’t a particularly suitable tag-line? We think “mal-educated, witless, chuckleheaded, D&D-playing dork” would be far superior.

It isn’t particularly catchy, but it has the benefit of being true.