May 12, 2004
MTV’s “Cribs” As even the
MTV’s “Cribs”
As even the casual reader of our “weblog” should know, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are highly unlikely to savor MTV, the network whose abbreviation, ironically enough, stands for “Music Television.” Indeed, given our collective antipathy for “rock-n-roll” music, we generally consider MTV about as dastardly as the Tamil Tigers. (And, no, the Tamil Tigers are not a team in the Canadian Football League.)To be sure, there is much to despise about MTV. This is the channel, after all, that launched the “reality television” craze, which appears to be based on the notion that we are all eager to see a suitably multicultural collection of randy adolescents intermittently brawl and nuzzle. Pardon us if we tune into something with a bit more intellectual heft—like the Home Shopping Network.
In fact, the programming of MTV marks one of the paltry instances when we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” actually agree with our feminist friends: This network is about as wholesome as the Marquis de Sade. We would prefer our children watch a passel of so-called “snuff” films to the noxious garbage displayed on MTV.
We might even go so far as to claim that we would prefer our children watch the movie “Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion.” But, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” think that such a statement may simply be an example of rhetorical bravado. After all, viewing that movie is possibly the only thing more uncomfortable than one’s own high school reunion.
There is one show on MTV, however, that seems to be just a bit more appalling than the typical palaver the network displays. This, dear reader, is MTV’s “Cribs,” which is the subject of today’s edition of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly.”
MTV’s “Cribs”—for those of you blessed enough to be unfamiliar with it—is a program in which various B- and C+ List celebrities take the viewer on a whirlwind tour of their domiciles. And their private jets. And their man-made volcanoes. And their slaves’ quarters. You get the picture. It’s kind of like the late, unlamented “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous,” yet with more cornrows.
For instance, on one episode of “Cribs,” runty “rap” sensation Lil’ Bow Wow shows off his colossal sneaker collection, demonstrating that a more appropriate appellation for him would be Big Conspicuous Consumption. On sundry other shows, vaguely familiar television actors reveal their mammoth fleets of Ford Mustangs. And so on, and so forth.
Naturally, MTV’s “Cribs” never offers its viewers what they really want to see: Where are David Hasselhoff’s girdles? Where’s the string on Keanu Reeves’ back that makes him talk? Who is unfortunate enough to have landed the job as Sally Struthers’ chef? Does this person receive overtime pay? And when did Tim Robbins auction off his brain?
Instead of these valuable tidbits, MTV’s “Cribs” offers an assortment of ne’er-do-wells ostentatiously exhibiting the private movie theaters and lap pools they have purchased by means of their coruscating non-talent. Invariably, moreover, these stars have such horrid taste that they make the Beverly Hillbillies seem like Boston Brahmin.
What, you may be asking yourselves, makes MTV’s “Cribs” any more offensive than the network’s regular fare? Well, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” humbly assert that “Cribs” peddles a far more malignant view of America to children. Sure, MTV’s videos offer incessant reminders of how pathologically inarticulate various “musicians” can be. But “Cribs” exhibits the rewards these lummoxes reap as the result of their production of atrociously unentertaining detritus.
At least the athletes featured on the show appear to offer the world some tangible property that resulted in squillions of dollars. If you’re 7’8” tall, perhaps you merit a private golf course. But what did Kid Rock do to deserve untold riches? And, no, appearing in the movie “Joe Dirt” doesn’t count. He deserves thumbscrews for that.
