May 17, 2004

College Gets Personal Almost everyone

College Gets Personal

Almost everyone these days has perused a newspaper or magazine that presents its readership with what are delicately entitled “Personal Ads.” The New York Observer, for example, appears to offer little more than “Personal Ads.” And a Rex Reed column. (Frankly, we find the “Personal Ads” more enlightening.)You probably know the kind of advertisement we are discussing, dear reader. Some are more presentable: “DWF seeks DWM for great conversations, sex.” Others are a bit more sordid: “5’1,” 350 lb. SWF seeks a SWM who loves to be whipped like the bad little dog he is.” Um, count us out.

Even the casual reader of these “Personal Ads” can note some of their peculiarities. Each female advertising for a mate—no matter how repulsive she sounds—casts herself as gorgeous. If you were informed about American women by “Personal Ads” alone, you’d think that the USA is one grand collection of Cindy Crawfords. Naturally, Cyndi Lauper is a lot more like it—provided she gains at least fourty pounds.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have the sneaking suspicion that some of these delightful ladies are fibbing about their appearance. Who could read “Attractive, octogenarian female, 400 lbs., with leprosy” without a touch of disbelief? Moreover, if this appealing eightysomething is so drop-dead gorgeous, why does she need to publish a “Personal Ad” in the first place?

All of this got us to thinking about the only post-latency portion of our population that doesn’t seem to require the use of “Personal Ads”: College kids. After all, if you can’t find a mate in college, you must have all kinds of problems. Or, perhaps, you are a teetotaler.

For today’s edition of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” we figured that we would offer some hypothetical “Personal Ads” from college students. This way, we could get a sense of what such advertisements might look like. If we do a poor job at mimicking the style of “Personal Ads,” rest assured that this is because the females on our staff are far too beautiful to require their services, and the men have too much money.

Without further ado, then, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” proudly present:

Hypothetical “Personal Ads” from American Undergraduates:

Men Seeking Womyn

SWMFB [single, white, male frat-boy] seeks hot young female for good times in the bedroom. My hobbies include: binge drinking, falling asleep in class, date rape. Prospective females must be super-hot. Breathing a plus.

Are you sick and tired of relationships that last a full week? Me too! If so, check out this hunky SWMFB. I assure you that I will engage you on no other levels than the purely physical. None of that irritating thinking and emoting. Just feeling—lots of feeling.

Sensitive, artistic type seeks entirely like-minded female to complain about the disgraceful conformity among college students. Unlike the guys who wear dirty white caps, I (and my entire circle of friends) dress in hemp and clunky shoes. Come grouse with me before you drop out and wind up working at Hardee’s.

SBM [single, black male] seeks SWF [single, white female] for long conversations about the indignities of the oppression of blacks in the USA [United States of America]. Join me for vitriolic championing of Marcus Garvey, sexual intercourse.

Womyn Seeking Men

SWFSS [single, white, female sorority sister] seeks a vacuous frat-boy for suitably dramatic relationship. Me: Gorgeous, high maintenance, shallower than a wading pool. You: Bedecked in Abercrombie & Fitch, mindless.

SWFSS [single, white, female sorority sister] seeks a feeble-minded frat-boy for suitably dramatic relationship. Me: Gorgeous, high maintenance, shallower than a wading pool. You: Bedecked in Abercrombie & Fitch, mindless.

Come on, guys! I’m a SWFSS like totally into the Dave Matthews Band and white rappers. If you, like, are, like, like-minded, let’s hang out.

ASWF [angry, single, white feminist] seeks suitably emasculated oppressor to discuss the horrors of the patriarchy. You must love Andrea Dworkin, Mary Daly, and ritual self-flagellation. You also won’t get any, you scumbag. And I’ll probably leave you for a womyn in the midst of the relationship. Serves you right.

Posted at May 17, 2004 12:01 AM | TrackBack