Help Me, Crack Young Staff!

Help Me, Crack Young Staff!

What kind of questions have we received, you ask? Well, they run the full gamut of human experience. Everything from the Hegelian dialectic to Japanese toiletries. In fact, even as reputable a character as former Vice President Al Gore deigned to write us with an inquiry. Mr. Gore asked us if we thought his recent public addresses regarding the purported failings of the Bush Administration were too forceful and vituperative. In response, we told him that he should wear more “earth tones.” Problem solved.

Some queries, however, proved more consequential, and thus demanded our immediate attention. Such was certainly the case with a letter-writer who signed his e-mail “Moe.” Now, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” mentioned that we would blithely provide a pseudonym for epistlers seeking advice who did not want to use their own names. But we have no idea, frankly, whether “Moe” is actually this fellow’s appellation, or whether it is, instead, itself a nom de guerre. It might even be short for “Moses.”

Anyway, since “Moe” did not specify whether he desired a pseudonym or not, we have decided to provide one. With an obvious tip of the cap to our multiculturalist friends, we are calling “Moe” “Mr. Paddy Rosenberg, Esq.” (Eat your heart out, Tiger Woods.)

Mr. Rosenberg’s missive, which we have edited for the purposes of euphony, reads as follows:

Dear Crack Young Staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,”

Mr. Paddy Rosenberg, Esq.

As you can see, dear reader, Mr. Rosenberg has certainly come up with some compelling questions. In fact, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” were chock-a-block with trepidation, pondering how we could offer adequate responses, whilst pacing our offices in nervous fits of perambulation. By dog.

Well, now that we got that out of the way, we can move on to the questions at hand. The Official Advice Department of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” has decided to treat these two queries in alphabetical order, for tax-filing purposes. Conveniently, this allows us to field the first question first, and the second question (you guessed it) second.

For those of you who have extremely short attention spans and/or prove particularly poor at reading comprehension, we shall repeat the first question in full:

I like science. Am I a tool of the phallo-Euro-Confederateo-centric capitalist society?

Well, Paddy (if we may address you by your Christian name), there is a short and a long answer to your important inquiry. The long answer is: Yes.

The short answer is far more subtle, and may require recourse to a slide-rule. Science is much like a woman: Both should be handled with great caution, preferably by someone clad in both a lab coat and goggles. And brandishing a Bunsen burner. Accordingly, we respond to your question with the condign care and solemnity that it necessitates.

As anyone familiar with modern American academia can tell you, the world’s leading experts on science can all be found in departments of English and comparative literature. (Funny, that.) These enlightened professors, who are the champions of so-called “science studies,” have proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that science is far from objective. As a result, science—just like anything else—is incapable of proving anything beyond a shadow of a doubt.

In short, Mr. Rosenberg, science is an instrument wielded by the oppressors to keep the masses in check. As such, anyone who professes a love for it is most assuredly “a tool of the phallo-Euro-Confederateo-centric capitalist” society in which we live, as you memorably put it.

With that in mind, we can move on to your second query. It reads:

Today is my wife’s birthday. Can you wish her a happy belated birthday tomorrow?

Naturally, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are pleased as peaches to offer warm wishes to Paddy’s wife on the glorious occasion of the day after her birthday. Mr. Rosenberg, however, has not told us his lovely wife’s name. As a result, we are compelled to fashion a pseudonym for her: Mrs. Florence Rosenberg-Mortensen.

Instead of proffering a few quick and spiritless remarks, we have decided to write her the kind of epistle that every woman wants to receive from her significant other. (Or, as they say in academe, significant “Other.”) As we know scarcely little about Mrs. Rosenberg-Mortensen, however, we are going to have to improvise a bit.

Dearest Florence,

The Crack Young Staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”

Well, dear reader, there you have it: Unadulterated pearls of wisdom. If you have any desire for counsel, please feel free to send us an e-mail by clicking on the “Contact Us” link at the top right-hand corner of your computer screen. You never know: We could unlock the inner child in you, freeing you to live a life of sheer bliss. We doubt it, but it’s possible.