August 03, 2004

The Crack Young Staff Says:

The Crack Young Staff Says: “Thank You, Mayor Menino”

Recently, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” received a package from a correspondent from our Boston (MA) office. We had been waiting for some time for such a parcel, as the Democratic National Convention has recently taken place in fair Boston. Included in this package, along with some “Kerry & Edwards” and “Appease Terrorism” bumper stickers, was a curious advertisement from the July 29 number of The Boston Globe.

This full-page ad sports a small picture of a middle-aged fellow and the headline “Mayor Thomas M. Menino Says: ‘Thank You, Boston.’” For those of you uninformed about the vicissitudes of Bostonian politics—and utterly oblivious to the obvious—we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” can let you know that Thomas Menino (who is oft given the sobriquet “Mumbles”) is the mayor of Beantown.

The advertisement makes clear that the right honorable Mayor endeavors to thank Bostonians for making the Democratic Convention such a tremendous success. (How he knew it was a tremendous success before it even ended is another matter. We assume he’s clairvoyant.)

But “Mumbles” Menino does not simply offer thanks to the residents of Boston; he is armed with a series of “discounts and free events.” These presents, thinks Mayor “Mumbles,” will help the locals enjoy “a great weekend.”

So, what kind of goodies is the Mayor tossing to the masses? Well, Bostonians can enjoy $5 off admission on a Boston Duck Tour on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. This struck us as an odd gift: Why would the locals want to take a tour of the city they already inhabit? We don’t mean to come across as a bunch of conspiracy-mongers, but we have the sneaking suspicion that Mayor Menino’s “gifts” have a lot more to do with business than, well, gifts.

As peculiar as this may seem, dear reader, it pales in comparison to another generous offering the right honorable Mayor delivered to the Beantown masses. For Sunday, August 1, the Mayor bestowed free on-street parking to all the residents of the city!

Free parking on Sunday? Wow. This Menino fellow, you are probably thinking to yourself, is surely the most prodigal Mayor in American history.

But before you wax hagiographic on the goodness of Mayor Thomas Menino, dear reader, we must offer one inconvenient fact: On-street parking is always free on Sundays. The good Mayor has given a gift that we have already received.

We know what you are thinking, dear reader: “Mumbles” Menino, Prince of Parsimony that he is, needs a good whipping. Or, failing that, a fairly brisk finger-wagging. That ought to show him.

But may we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” suggest that there’s a better way to get back at Mr. Frugality? Why not outshine his Indian Giving by presenting the citizens of Boston with an even more impressive non-gift? It is this spirit that we announce:

“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” September On-Street Parking Give-Away:

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” would like to thank the levelheaded inhabitants of Boston for making it through the Democratic National Convention without induce vomiting…often. As a token of our esteem, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have a present for you all: On each Sunday in September, 2004, on-street parking will be entirely free of charge! It’s all part of our “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Offering You the Things You Already Had Promotion. So, citizens of Boston, enjoy four days of free parking on us. Tell ‘em the crack young staff sent you.

Posted at August 3, 2004 12:01 AM | TrackBack