September 09, 2004

Blogger: You Get What You

Blogger: You Get What You Pay For

The studious reader of our humble “weblog” may have noticed that yesterday’s post appeared very late in the afternoon. This should have come as a surprise to our rabid fans, as we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are normally paragons of punctuality.

Accordingly, the “blogosphere’s” rumor mill was a-churnin’ yesterday: Correspondents from such classy gossip rags as People and Vanity Fair called our offices, wondering if there was some sort of staff shake-up. We spent most of the day fending off such questions as: Is there anyone on the staff who isn’t so crack? Is “Chip” going to get fired? If so, who will replace him?

To which we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” replied: There has been no staff quarreling; there is no cause for alarm.

On the contrary: Our tardiness was entirely the fault of our lackluster sponsor, Blogger. It appears as if the All Mighty Blogger decided to take a bit of a vacation yesterday, and, as a result, would not allow its “webloggers” to publish their posts. As such, the Official Technical Department of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” was pulling its collective hairs out attempting to remedy a problem that it had not caused.

After (literally) hours of in-house irritation, the lackluster slackers at Blogger got around to fixing their error, and our post appeared.

Still, this horrid performance on the part of our “web-sponsor” incited us to turn our attention to it in today’s post. A handful of readers have informed us that our humble “weblog,” hilarious as it is, hasn’t been as vituperative as usual in the past few weeks. In short, they wanted to know, “Where’s the Hate?”

Well, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” don’t want to upset any of our readers, and we have nothing but scorn and contumely for our feculent “web-sponsor.”

Accordingly, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are delighted to present:

The Official “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Lambasting of Blogger:

Have you ever, dear reader, desired to post your luminous animadversions on the World Wide Web, and want to make sure that absolutely no one reads them? If so, try Blogger, the Internet’s answer to the Montreal Expos. Blogger is the World Wide Web’s version of the Titanic—except Blogger wasn’t even impressive to begin with. Blogger is the computer version of Walter Mondale’s ’84 presidential bid. It’s a disaster, from start to finish.

First, “webbloggers” who “own” their own “” address have the misfortune of wielding a “website” with an horrifically cumbersome title. Why doesn’t Blogger simply streamline things and come up with catchier URLs, such as http://www.crazy~fish/_essay_4639457490~1984Chevy
? That should really draw the readers in!

And we mustn’t forget the fact that Blogger is an Internet eyesore. It’s the computer equivalent of a Damien Hurst original; it’s the Internet’s Linda Tripp. We’d rather spend time staring at David Crosby naked than beholding Blogger’s aesthetic deficiencies.

In addition, we can’t forget Blogger’s commitment to service: After a few short years, its timely staff will solve whatever problem it caused.

To be sure, some might say to us: But Blogger is free. To which we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” respond: Sure, and forced sterilization is free in India—but we don’t recommend it.

Posted at September 9, 2004 01:01 AM | TrackBack