September 17, 2004

A Victory in the War

A Victory in the War on Terrorism

As our regular readers no doubt realize, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” don’t tend to spend much time on so-called “breaking news.” We prefer to leave such quotidian journalistic work to The New York Post, The Daily Mirror, and other reputable news sources.

Recently, however, a correspondent from our Dohar, Qatar office sent us a report that we simply couldn’t ignore. (On a totally unrelated note, remember when newscasters used to pronounce the word “Qatar” as if it rhymed with “guitar”? What wonderful times those were! These days, when a journalist says “Qatar,” one gets the sense that he just belched.)

Sure, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” fancy ourselves opinion journalists—journalists who have the integrity to disregard such trivial matters as “facts” when it suits our arguments. But this time, we figured that the following briefing was so integral to the War on Terrorism that we had to let our sundry readers in on it.

Accordingly, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have simply copied our Dohar correspondent’s report and present it to you as today’s edition of our humble “weblog.” This way, you get the news directly from the source, and we can take a longer lunch break. We all can win.

Without further ado, then, we blithely present:

“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Staff Report from Dohar, Qatar

DOHAR (Qatar) – In what American authorities are claiming as a major victory in the War on Terrorism, Muhammad al-Bulushi, a 28-year-old man from the sandy suburbs of Dohar, has just stubbed his toe, and blames himself.

This marks the first time in modern history that a man from a Muslim country has suffered some malady that he has not traced back to the machinations of either Israel or the United States.

Al-Bulushi, who spoke to reporters with a heavily bandaged left-foot, said “It was really my fault. I wasn’t paying attention and I bumped into that parked Mercedes. It was foolish of me.”

Although heavily pressed by Arab media outlets to blame this toe-stubbing on “evil Zionist forces,” al-Bulushi refused. “Sure,” he said, “I hate those covetous Jewish oppressors as much as the next guy, but this time it clearly wasn’t their fault. I should have been more careful.”

Michael Smith, the Under-under Secretary of Defense for the Bush Administration hailed this as a major breakthrough. “For once, a Muslim has taken accountability for his own actions,” he claimed. “This is a great day for America and a great day for those who want to put an end to terrorism.”

Al-Bulushi, however, didn’t appear to agree entirely with Smith’s assessment. “I still detest the evil United States of America,” he said. “In fact, I blame America for my tennis elbow. And I blame Jews for my rickets.”

Posted at September 17, 2004 12:01 AM | TrackBack