September 21, 2004
Swift Votes for Kerry Recently,
Swift Votes for Kerry
Recently, dear reader, we here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” got a ‘phone call from John Kerry for President Headquarters. It seems as if our humble “weblog” has grown in popularity in such leaps and bounds that it caught the eye of the Democratic contender for the President of the United States of America. (Hard to believe, isn’t it? Well, that’s the premise of today’s post, so you might as well start “suspending disbelief” now, or you aren’t going to enjoy what follows. Spoilsport.)A member of Kerry’s campaign staff informed us that we could help assure John Kerry’s victory in November. To be honest, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” weren’t that enthusiastic about this prospect. We have a tough time rallying behind a candidate who makes Al Gore seem like Jim Carey. As such, this Kerry staffer decided to sweeten the deal: He offered us a fairly sizeable sum in order to help strategize for the Democrats’ campaign.
Although we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are already pulling in the big bucks (without any “Whammies”) from our new “blogspot.com” advertisements, we figured that a little extra cash wouldn’t hurt. Accordingly, we informed this humble Kerry staff member—let’s just call him “George Soros”—that we would be pleased as punch to help out. We, the crack young staff, were reporting for duty. Or something.
Immediately after agreeing to hop on board the Kerry Broken Rickshaw to Victory, we got our first assignment: Come up with a new way to ensure that undecided voters go to the polls and plump for Mr. Kerry.
Frankly, it seemed a rather daunting task. We figured that by this time in the campaign Mr. Kerry’s team would have come up with his own campaign to woo undecideds. After all, Mr. Kerry has voted both for and against pretty much every important piece of legislation of the last 19 years; surely the Kerry Camp can find some way to spin this?
Apparently not. As such, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” had to think long and hard about a strategy for Mr. Kerry.
After much frettin’ and a-fussin’, we think we landed on just the thing.
“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Strategy for John Kerry: “With Your Help, I Can Be President of the United States—Just Tell Me What To Say!”
Our entreaty to the public takes the shape of a 60-second television spot featuring Mr. John Kerry himself. After offering a few photographs showing the candidate kissing hands and shaking babies, the ad gets down to brass tacks: Mr. Kerry, clad in a blue button-down shirt and a gray pair of slacks, sits atop John Edwards and delivers a direct appeal to the viewing audience:
My name is John Kerry, and I am running for the President of the United States of America. With your help, we can beat George W. Bush and his fellow draft-dodging chicken hawks—like Colin Powell.
This President has been reckless in his deployment of American troops. If I were Commander-in-Chief, I may or may not have liberated Iraq. I’m still ironing that out with a focus group. But I can promise to you that I would have second- and third-guessed myself at least fifty times by now.
Unlike George W. Bush, when I make a decision, I either stand behind it or I do not. Sometimes I do both.
And this gets me to the heart of my message: I really, really want to be President, but I have no idea how to get you to vote for me. So, just tell me what to say, and I’ll say it.
I don’t mean to sound desperate, but my campaign is starting to get that musty Michael Dukakis smell. And I’ve always wanted to be President. I swear. Honest to God. I figured I was pretty much bred and born for the job.
In fact, if it helps at all, the following people strongly support my candidacy: Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden, Yasir Arafat, and the Mad Mullahs of Iran. Jimmy Carter says those are some pretty nice folks. One of them even won the Nobel Piece of Israel Prize.
So, America, I urge you to tell me what to say. I’ll say it, I promise you.
We’re the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” and we approve of this message.
