Banish Him for His Verses

Banish Him for His Verses

Surely someone who touts the last name “Islam” is no threat to our country; after all, as we all well know, Islam is a religion of piece—a piece-by-piece conquest of the world of infidels.

Yet there is more to this humble story than meets the eye. As many of our readers will begrudgingly admit to knowing, Yusuf Islam is the “peaceful” new name of whilom folk impresario Cat Stevens. As such, the United States government has banned Cat Stevens. (Gosh, that may be the most wonderful sentence that the crack young staff has ever typed!)

As has been reported in the mainstream press—the kind of outfits run by characters who don’t wear pajamas when they’re editing—the “peaceful” Mr. Islam has been denied entry in part because he gave thousands of dollars to the terrorist group Hamas.

To which we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” respond: Oh, come on! We’ve been attempting to keep Cat Stevens out of this country for decades—but not because his “peaceful” daily regimen requires that he send his funds to brutal terrorists. On the contrary: What professor at the University of South Florida hasn’t given all sorts of cash to terrorists?

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” demanded Cat Stevens’ banishment from the United States on the grounds that his “music” is a weapon of mass destruction.

We can already hear the din of some of our readers: Cat Stevens may have been a lackluster, gossamer singer-songwriter, but he surely hasn’t produced the musical equivalent of ricin. To which we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” reply: Have you ever heard “Peace Train”? That tune is so feculent that we figured he changed his name to Yusuf Islam merely to stop a barrage of “Peace Train” hate mail. Sure, we wouldn’t have picked “Yusuf Islam” as our new name. But, had we penned anything as mordantly atrocious as “Peace Train,” we’d change our names too—and right quickly.

And this gets us to the raison d’etre of today’s humble post. The United States’ government has done much to aid its citizens’ well being by compelling Cat Stevens to head back to Syria, or whatever “peaceful” place he currently inhabits. Now no American will be exposed to horrid renditions of “Moon Shadow.”

But this is just a start. We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” humbly exhort bipartisan support of a new piece of legislation:

The Banishment of Rancid Singer-Songwriters Act:

Whereby the United States has been attacked by the abysmal tunes of Billy Joel; whereby it has been tortured by the putrid lyrics of Elton John; whereby it has been bombarded by the loathsome dross of Carly Simon; whereby it has been assailed by the evils of Phil Collins; the Congress of the United States of America hereby bans the presence of abominable singer-songwriters from our great country.

Look out, Peter Frampton: We’re coming for you next.