September 27, 2004
Some Insightful Political Commentary Regarding
Some Insightful Political Commentary Regarding Actor Alec Baldwin
A few weeks ago, dear reader, the Official Staff Television of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” was tuned to “The Daily Show,” John Stewart’s half-hour infomercial for the Democratic Party. The particular episode of this program we saw featured an interview with Alec Baldwin, one of the 58 brothers (at last count) of the noble Baldwin line. (Baldwins, it seems, are the white Wayans. The great white Wayans, indeed.)As our regular readers can surely attest, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are known for our deeply serious discussions of intricate political matters. And, we hasten to add, some cheap yuks. As a result, upon viewing Mr. Baldwin on our television screen, we decided to reflect on his ideological stances.
Some readers may be saying to themselves: Alec Baldwin is stupider than a sheet of balsa wood; his “thoughts” don’t warrant earnest and sensitive reflection. To which we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” respond: Stop talking to yourselves. You’re coming across as a bunch of freaks.
We can understand this stance, however. Alec Baldwin—who was rumored to announce that he would flee our country if George W. Bush won the 2000 election—has the kind of political views that Hollywood types consider “cosmopolitan,” but most part-time forklift operators deem “arrant persiflage.”
Still, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” believe that if we don’t question the beliefs of Alec Baldwin, then the terrorists win. We’re not exactly sure how this works out logically, but we feel it’s as sensible as deflecting any and all criticism with claims that one’s opponents are unfairly charging you with being unpatriotic.
Without further ado, then, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are pleased to offer our deadly serious reflections on the political thought of Alec Baldwin:
Boy, Alec Baldwin is fat. He may have been a sex symbol back in 1876, but nowadays he looks like a stunt double for Michael Moore.
In fact, we’d wager that the people most affected by Baldwin’s potential departure from America upon the reelection of George W. Bush would be the management of Krispy Kreme doughnuts. And The Cheescake Factory—he’d definitely ruin them.
Alec Baldwin looks like a 400-pound homeless version of Pat Riley. He resembles a haggard Dom DeLouise with some hair tonic. In short, he’s enormous. If everyone else were Alec Baldwin’s size, John Edwards would have to change his famous “Two Americas” speech to “Four Americas.”
Well, dear reader, those are our careful thoughts on Alec Baldwin. Perhaps next week we’ll tackle Billy Baldwin. Which, come to think of it, would be a lot easier than tackling Alec. Because he’s so fat.
