September 29, 2004

The Democrats vs. the Nazis

The Democrats vs. the Nazis

As we tread ever closer to the presidential election in November, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have noticed that some folks have become increasingly outlandish in their polemical rhetoric. In a last-ditch attempt to fire up those elusive undecided voters, die-hard Republicans and Democrats appear to have turned up the heat on their political grousing.

The plucky correspondents from our Chapel Hill (NC) office sent us a perfect example of the kind of overwrought carping that we are discussing. One Anthony Dimarzio of Raleigh (NC) wrote a letter in the September 15 number of The Independent, a Triangle-based rag that offers its readers movie reviews, ‘phone sex advertisements, and left-wing screeds.

Mr. Dimarzio’s missive beautifully captures the essence of contemporary political discourse in these here United States of America. We have provided his words below, along with our own running commentary. Feel free to hum “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” whilst you read his purple prose.

The Republican convention…showed the world what the Republican Party is all about: fear, lies and hate.

Come on, Mr. Dimarzio: The whole world did not catch a glimpse of the evil that is the Republican Party. Many nations—like Chad, for example—probably didn’t have television coverage of the event. As a result, only some of us were lucky enough to take in the fear, lies, and hate that is the contemporary Republican Party.

When not trying to scare us with terrorism, they lied about their opponents, questioned the patriotism of others, and preached openly about denying homosexuals equal rights.

Mr. Dimarzio has a few good points here: Terrorism isn’t scary on its own; it requires those dastardly Republicans to make it frightening. Reasonably enough, Mr. Dimarzio appears to be a member of the George-Bush-Is-More-Terrifying-than-Osama-Bin-Laden crowd.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” don’t recall the Republicans ever questioning “the patriotism of others.” In fact, we are inclined to believe that this is something of a canard. Still, Mr. Dimarzio doesn’t make clear whom the Republicans have excoriated for their insufficient jingoism: Are they Americans? Or from Papua New Guinea? Alas, the enigmatic Mr. Dimarzio never tells us. Surely someone somewhere in the world is guilty of insufficient patriotic fervor?

Inequality, super-nationalism and misinformation should not be the hallmark of our ruling parties.

We must admit that we’re inclined to agree with Mr. Dimarzio here. In fact, we believe that these qualities shouldn’t even be a hallmark of our political parties, let alone our ruling parties. In fact, we have the suspicion that Mr. Dimarzio has an odd understanding of our country’s political system. But we wouldn’t want to be accused of “super-nationalism,” so we’ll stop our argument right there. (In any case, what is “super-nationalism”? Perhaps it’s just regular nationalism when practiced by superheroes. Like Captain America—that fascist.)

The Republican delegates themselves were a large body of wild-eyed emotional people. The delegates were crying, screaming, afraid and worshipful of the President as if he were the Golden Calf.

We are glad that Mr. Dimarzio, unlike those wild-eyed Republican delegates, is a paragon of self-restraint, as you can tell from his even-keeled letter.

Also, we were under the distinct impression that the President was the Golden Calf. If this isn’t so, perhaps we’ll vote for that other guy. You know, the guy who has all of Jay Leno’s good looks, without any of that irritating charm.

When a few people in the crowd voiced dissent, they were attacked and dragged out of the building, in a fashion similar to 1933 Berlin. All the while, the Republican politicians smiled and the crowd chanted, “Four More Years!”

As an example of Mr. Dimarzio’s even-handed, dispassionate political analysis, he has made the obligatory comparison between the Republican Party and the Nazi Party. Well done, Mr. Dimarzio; thanks for showing us how cool, calm, and collected you are.

If these people are allowed to control this government for four more years, what we will be left with in 2009 would barely resemble what we had in 2000.

Oh, come on: Most of the buildings would still be the same. And the country would still be home to chuckleheads such as yourself.

We would be thrust into an Orwellian nightmare that would do a disservice to those who gave their lives for our freedom.

Don’t you think it would be better for Mr. Dimarzio to say that “we would be thrust into a Freudian nightmare”? Or, even better, that “he would be thrust into a Freudian nightmare”? After all, we think that the thrusting is all his. And shoot us if we’re wrong, but we feel as if this last line about “freedom” is a pathetic attempt to call the political opposition insufficiently “super-nationalist.” To which lines of argument, we thought, Mr. Dimarzio was steadfastly opposed.

The founding fathers knew that if America were to be ruined, it would be so from internal sources. Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have found those internal sources.

To which we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” respond: So, Mr. Dimarzio, for whom are you voting in the upcoming election? Your unemotional appeal was too level-headed for us, and we can’t figure it out.

Posted at September 29, 2004 12:01 AM | TrackBack