September 30, 2004

Breaking News: Incriminating Dan Rather

Breaking News: Incriminating Dan Rather Documents Unearthed

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” aren’t under the delusion that our humble “weblog” is home to all kinds of “breaking news.” Usually, by the time we have covered a story, it’s older than Cher. In fact, just last week we discussed William the Conqueror’s stunning victory in the Battle of Hastings.

We would like to think that “breaking news” is a sordid branch of journalism: Watching a couple of rival networks hasten to beat one another to the story is surely a lowly endeavor. We think it rather beneath us.

On an entirely unrelated note, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quartelry,” have just received an exclusive scoop that will make all the other media outlets green with envy.

A source whom we would not like to identify has faxed some documents to the offices of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly.” These documents pertain to the journalistic integrity of CBS’ much maligned news anchor, Dan Rather.

Our source—let’s just call them “ABC”—has selflessly sent us copies of extremely incriminating documents that were produced in 1982. We aren’t entirely sure why “ABC” would send these memos to us, but we can’t figure how they would gain from their media exposure. At least that’s what Joe Lockhart told us.

Anyway, the memos in question were penned by a former executive at CBS News named Rufus Leaking. Mr. Leaking wrote the memos in question to Joe King, who was then the CEO of CBS. The letters detail the disgraceful gullibility and low-quality muckraking of Mr. Rather.

The crack young staff may or may not have employed a dutiful team of experts to ensure the authenticity of the documents in question. This team of experts may or may not have poured over the memos, and may or may not have concluded that they are perfectly authentic. There’s nary an anachronism or peculiarity to be found.

So, dear reader, enough with the preamble. We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are happy as knickers to present:

An Official “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Exclusive: Mr. Rufus Leaking’s 1982 Letter to CBS CEO Joe King Regarding the Journalistic Integrity of Dan Rather:

February 30, 1982
From: Rufus Leaking, Senior Vice President of Junior Vice Presidents
To: Joe King, CEO of CBS
Re: Dan “CYA” Rather

Dear Joe,

My wife and I had a wonderful time with you last night at the Cheesecake Factory. I am so glad that it has been in business for so long. My wife and I tend to go there before every Charlotte Hornets game.

But I digress. I am writing this memo to discuss the appalling gullibility of our anchorman, Dan Rather. By making the charges that you will read below, I am in no way attempting to give firepower to our rival networks, which could run with the story of our anchorman’s blatant incompetence. If that were to happen, I would be as upset as Ben Affleck when he broke up with J-Lo.

Dan Rather is a blithering idiot. The difference between him and a bucket of garbage is the bucket. He’s dumber than a coffee Coolatta from Dunkin’ Doughnuts.

In addition, Dan is miserably biased. Why, just last week, he totally tilted that story about the War in Kossovo. It was a disgrace.

If I were the average television viewer—which I am not—I would never tune in to Dan Rather’s newscasts. Rather, I would watch the wonderful coverage of ABC. That network is the greatest. Man, I love Monday Night Football.

Rufus Leaking

Well, dear reader, there you have it: Breaking news from the crack young staff. Clearly, this story is going to serve as a stepping-stone to fame and fortune. Why, just a few minutes ago, ABC and NBC offered to interview one of our correspondents for their prime-time shows!

Posted at September 30, 2004 12:01 AM | TrackBack