October 13, 2004

We Like His Tie Better

We Like His Tie Better

In every election season, it seems, the chattering classes are irked by the flimsy rationales average folk offer for plumping for the candidate of their choice. How, think such cosmopolitan characters, can these benighted rouges cast their ballots for someone on such ridiculous pretexts as “morals”? How can we, the enlightened few, help these slack-jawed derelicts if they refuse to support our candidates?

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” approach the matter differently. It seems to us as if many of those in-the-know value rather odd reasons for supporting candidates—the endorsement of Gore Vidal, for example.

Yet nary a day goes by in which our elites aren’t harping on the foolish choices of Joe Public. He’s voting for Bush because he doesn’t like Kerry’s swimsuit? How gauche! He’s voting Republican because he prefers candidates who don’t have a skin tone remarkably similar to that of George Hamilton? How disgraceful!

It seems to us as if a combination of voting Republican and offering mesmerizingly stupid rationales for doing so may just do in the chattering classes: Not only would they lose the election, they’d suffer through the torturous persiflage that ordinary folk offer to support their choices.

As such, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” exhort all of our readers who intend on casting their votes for the Republican ticket to fix upon a ludicrous reason for their vote. When discussing politics with members of the smart set, these readers should be certain to exclaim their mind-bogglingly stupid rationale in the most proud and stentorian tones. If this doesn’t cause fits of liberal apoplexy, nothing will.

In fact, in order to help our readers vex the chattering classes, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are pleased to present a sample offering of ridiculous rationales for voting Republican. We hope that these inspire our friends on the Right to come up with their own viciously moronic justifications.

“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Ludicrous Reasons To Vote Republican, and Force the Smart Set into Paroxysms of Rage:

1. John Edwards doesn’t look a thing like Mary Stuart Masterson.
2. Children is learning better under George W. Bush.
3. Fat-free Fig Newtons.
4. Sandy Berger’s pants have left me feeling disenfranchised.
5. North Korea may have nuclear weapons, but Italy has gelato.
6. I enjoy Dick Cheney’s Gorbachev-without-the-birth-mark good looks.
7. Who’ll make the world safe for Kirk Cameron?
8. What’s a steel tariff?
9. George W. Bush seems as if he will be more congenial to squirrels.

Well, dear reader, these should cause your left-leaning friends to sprout veins on their foreheads larger than John Kerry’s chin. If that isn’t a great reason to vote Republican, what is?

Posted at October 13, 2004 12:01 AM | TrackBack