October 19, 2004

An Anti-Israeli “Hate-lib” We, the

An Anti-Israeli “Hate-lib”

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are collectively fed up with anti-Israeli propagandists. Whether they are arguing that Israel is insufficiently democratic (unlike such paragons of freedom as Saudi Arabia and Syria), or claiming that the Palestinian Authority is bereft of corruption, they ineluctably offer such disgraceful lies that one wonders how anyone can believe them.

It seemed to us, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” that these Palestinian propagandists offer pretty much the same dubious commentary in regard to any situation. If a suicide bomber kills Israeli children, it’s the fault of America and Israel. If Yasser Arafat sends millions of dollars to his wife in Paris, it’s somehow the fault of America and Israel. And if the Arab world is mired in authoritarian despotism, it’s the fault of America and Israel.

It seems to us as if these Palestinian propagandists are the intellectual equivalents of the one-trick pony. Virtually everything, from canker sores to poisonous mushrooms, is the fault of America, Israel, and the supposed evil legacy of supposed colonialism.

Given the monochromatic feel of arguments dribbling from the mouths of anti-Israeli activists, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” figured that we could help these propagandists out by offering a set speech they could announce to the media in response to any situation.

This, as you can imagine, could be a valuable time-saver for our anti-Israeli friends, leaving them with copious free time in order to, say, hate Jews.

As such, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have provided our set speech below. All our Palestinian friends must do, then, is fill in the blanks with words that fit the given situation. For instance, in the sentence “Everyone knows this is the fault of the _______,” all one must do is plug in the word “Jews.” Or maybe “Americans.”

You see, dear reader? Being a duplicitous Palestinian propagandist has never been easier.

Yet this got us to thinking: Our set speech, which appears below, seems an awful lot like those fun-filled passages from our youth called “Madlibs.” You remember Madlibs, dear reader: Without knowledge of the context of a passage, one offered certain parts of speech, and then plunked them in their places. And what did you get? Why, hours and hours of good-natured fun.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” thus feel as if we can spread mirth and joy through the world by offering our Palestinian propagandist set speech both as a device to excoriate those menacing Americans and Jews, and as a funny Madlib. This way, we all win.

Naturally, however, we were worried about the legal repercussions of stealing the name Madlib. After all, the folks who run Madlibs pretty much run all the major corporations: The Salvation Army, RC Cola, &c. In fact, we have a sneaking suspicion that the CEO of Madlibs is a Jew. So not only do Jews run the world’s banks, Hollywood, and the mainstream media, they also run Madlibs. A conspiracy? We think so.

But no matter. The Official Rip-Off an Idea but Change its Name in Order to Avoid Legal Hassles Department here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” has come up with a clever solution: It has renamed our Madlib-esque set speech a “Hate-lib.” Pretty fetching, n’est pas?

Without further ado, then, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” proudly present:

An Official Anti-Israeli Set Speech for Use in Any Situation by Palestinian Propagandists that Doubles as a Mirthful “Hate-lib”:

This is all the fault of the _________ [insert noun, preferably Jews or Americans, and never Palestinians or Muslims]. The Jews never stop ___________ [insert participle]. They are ________ [insert pejorative adjective] and ________ [insert pejorative adjective].

Although _________ [insert person’s name] blames the Arab world for this horror, he is obviously a _________ [insert either “Jew” or “infidel”]. If it weren’t for ________ [ insert either “America,” “Israel,” or “capitalism”], this never would have happened.

Posted at October 19, 2004 12:01 AM | TrackBack