October 22, 2004

Social Justice—Now Only $9.99! We,

Social Justice—Now Only $9.99!

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” detest numerous terms and phrases. Like any God-fearing human beings, we are naturally repelled by such appellations as “intifada,” “internalizing the oppressor,” and “the New York Yankees.”

Yet there seems to be one particular phrase that gets us extraordinarily steamed. And that, dear reader, is the moronically meaningless term “social justice.” Sundry friends on the radical Left love to trumpet their deep-seated regard for social justice, and employ the term as if it were a badge of honor. Sure, you may have won a Purple Heart, think such chuckleheads, but I fight for social justice. Touché. Touché.

It never seems to trouble our friends on the political Left that “social justice” is merely a platitude. Its ardent enthusiasts never even seem to define what it entails. If a Christian conservative helps build homes in rural areas, is this tantamount to social justice? Or can only self-declared socialists and Marxists practice this stuff?

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” honestly had no idea. That is, dear reader, until we were fortunate enough to find a “website” that explains social justice to us all. Even the most dunderheaded ninny—such as, say, Mr. Sullywatch—could fathom what social justice means after a short trip to this “website.”

And to what “website” do we refer? Why, EdChange’s Social Justice Store, of course.

It appears as if one can actually purchase social justice. For Mr. EdChange (or is that Mr. Ed Change?) offers an impressive assortment of social justice gear for those who detest capitalism—and are willing to spend a buck in order to prove it.

And what kinds of social justice products can one purchase at the Ye Olde Sociale Justice Store? We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quartelry,” are glad you asked.

First, one can buy an array of paraphernalia that bears the moniker “Anti-Racism: A White-on-White Responsibility.” For any of you unclear as to the subtle message conveyed on such products, Mr. EdChange explains: “Racism is not a people of color pathology. It is a white people pathology. It’s time we took the responsibility to call each other on it.”

Aha! So, according to the lily-white Mr. EdChange, “people of color” (a term that is somehow deeply PC, though its close friend “colored people” is somehow disgracefully offensive) are incapable of being racists. We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are sure that such paragons of anti-racism as Louis Farrakhan are relieved to hear that.

In fact, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are so impressed by Mr. EdChange’s flawless reasoning that we are going to purchase his “Anti-Racism: A White-on-White Responsibility” barbeque apron. That way, we can prove to our friends that we are suitably politically correct, and can cook some scrumptious hotdogs and burgers.

And these handy barbeque aprons are far from the only useful products one can purchase at the anti-capitalist Social Justice Store. Our readers will probably particularly delight in Mr. EdChange’s clever “Whitey O. Pressor” line of gear.

According to the Social Justice Store, “Whitey is an anti- [sic] anti-racism advocate. I know, that doesn’t make sense.” Well, as long as you’ve settled that, we are just itching to buy your products, Mr. EdChange.

More specifically, the Whitey O. Pressor line offers a few hackneyed reasons why “you might be a Whitey O. Pressor.” We know what you are thinking, dear reader: That’s a really strong statement against the racist, patriarchal, capitalist society in which we live. And, to make matters better, the Whitey O. Pressor gear ships within two to three business days. Wow! Social justice was never this speedy.

May we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” humbly suggest that our readership purchase the Whitey O. Pressor Infant Creeper? It’s an “anti- [sic] anti-racism” T-shirt and diaper all in one! That way, your little Caucasian tyke won’t feel as if he is exonerated from the crimes of racism, just because he’s only two weeks old. That teething oppressor.

Posted at October 22, 2004 12:01 AM | TrackBack