The Bitch is Back Recently,

The Bitch is Back

The flyer, which offers the viewer a horrific picture of the Bitch in question with a quizzical Fred Flinstone-esque five o’clock shadow, drew us in with these words:

electric violin.
ukulele.
bass.

political agony.
poetic protest.
grueling love.

Hmmm. The Bitch lost us somewhere around “ukulele.” It’s like she’s the new Don Ho, although she appears to have taken Don’s last name the wrong way.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” were intrigued by the Bitch. After all, we enjoy a good bout of “grueling love” as much as the next person who has no idea what that means.

The poster also informed us this Bitch is the female canine who was part of the group Bitch and Animal. It seems as if the Muppet character could not join her on her tour, and hence the Bitch decided to go solo. Perhaps he had a previous engagement with Dr. Teeth. Ain’t that a bitch.

Anyway, the flyer also promoted her “website.” Naturally, we had to take a gander.

And what a treasure-trove of goodness it turned out to be! Take a look, for instance, at a snippet of the Bitch’s biography, to which we have affixed our own humble commentary:

BITCH busts out twist yer [sic] guts love and hate songs with punchy rhymes, defiant girl electric violin, ukulele and bass.

What the heck is “defiant girl electric violin”? If this girl is so defiant, why doesn’t she just take up the ‘cello instead? In addition, if our feminist friends have taught us anything, it’s that one should never refer to a woman as a “girl”—no matter how defiant she may be. That’s “grrl” or “gyrl” to you, Bitch.

She’s a constantly touring entertainer and songwriter who has pulled [sic] audiences to their feet worldwide with her politically charged and personally wrenched lyrics, her atypical instrumentation, minimalist sound and wildly dramatic stage persona.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are glad to hear that the Bitch’s lyrics are “personally wrenched”; we simply detest impersonally wrenched lyrics. They never seem to pull us to our feet.

Setting out on a new solo road, Bitch is finishing her first ever solo studio album Almost to the Water. The woman who once penned the mind-bending “Pussy Manifesto,” [sic] brings us to a deeper level of poetic rampage, political agony, and, of course, grueling love.

Oh, dear. There is so much to say, and so little time. First, we suppose we should mention that we are puzzled by the Bitch’s reference to “a new solo road.” Can’t anyone else drive on it? Quit hogging the highway, Bitch.

But let’s not beat around the bush (so to say). We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have never heard of the “Pussy Manifesto,” and cannot vouch for its ability to bend one’s mind, but we have a strong suspicion that it’s noxious. We know, we know: Don’t judge a book by its cover. (Or, in this case, don’t judge a manifesto by its reference to female genitalia.)

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” don’t intend to bring the Bitch to a shallower level of poetic rampage, but may we humbly suggest that she give her manifestos less offensive titles? How about “The Pseudo-Radical Feminist Gyno-Rock Manifesto”? It has a certain, as the French say, “we don’t know what.”

With a posse packed with producer June Millington (Fanny), Roma Baron mixing, and her trusted studio mate Wayne “Dutchboy” Schrengohst, Bitch is following her vision of making music that is symphonic, beat-worthy, break your heart ballad-y, and raise the roof revolutionary.

Wow. She really has some heavy-hitters on her side. We didn’t realize that Mr. Schrengohst, better known to the greater American public as “Dutchboy,” was following the Bitch down her “new solo road.” We wonder if “Schrengohst” is a stage-name. If it is, it’s a darn good one.

Her former band, Bitch and Animal, toured all over the US, Canada and Europe for years and released three records. Their first, What’s that Smell? on their own label, Dive Deep xoxo.

“What’s that Smell”? That doesn’t sound particularly “symphonic” to us. It doesn’t even seem “raise the roof revolutionary.” More like “raise the roof to let that noisome stench out of the room un-revolutionary.”

Well, dear reader, we think you get the point. This is one angry Bitch. We just have one question: Given that the Bitch promotes her tunes as “politically charged,” what are the chances that she’s a Republican?