November 08, 2004

Don’t Worry, Lefties: George Bush’s

Don’t Worry, Lefties: George Bush’s Second-Term Agenda Revealed

Many of our friends on the political Left have been awash in a sea of terror and vitriol. Now that the Nazi-esque George Bush has duped slack-jawed chuckleheads into voting Republican, think such characters, our country will soon become a more autocratic version of North Korea.

To which we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” respond: Relax, dear lefties. Sure, George Bush shall be in office for another four years. But everything is going to be okay in this police state you know and love as Amerika.

And how, you may ask, do we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” know that, in the words of Bob Marley, everything is gonna’ be supereminent? We’re glad you asked.

Recently, a senior editor here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”—let’s just call him “Chip”—received a missive from a key aide in the Bush Administration. We know what you are thinking, dear reader: It isn’t bloody likely that anyone in the White House would deign to speak with us. Well, it may not be bloody likely, but it also wasn’t bloody likely that the Democrats would run a dovish liberal Democrat for President in a time of war. In short, that is to say, stranger things have happened.

This leak from the Bush Administration offered some specifics about the President’s agenda for his second term. We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” humbly offer a few of the items from this list in an effort to assuage our friends on the Left. After reading the moderate and reasonable agenda that President Bush is offering, lefties shall probably abandon their quests to pack their bags and move to a less odious country—like Saudi Arabia.

The following, then, is simply an assortment of bills the Bush Administration intends to shower on the Republican houses of congress. If this does not satisfy our friends on the Left, nothing will.

An Unofficial Leak from the Bush Administration to the Crack Young Staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”: The Republican Agenda for the Next Few Years:

1. The Breathe-No-Kid-Behind Act: This piece of legislation intends to deprive children from the ages of three to fourteen of oxygen. These tykes don’t pay any taxes, and thus it’s simply unfair that they get free air. The Bush Administration is going to put a stop to it—and right quickly.

2. The Barcode Act: As any card-carrying leftist knows, the USA Patriot Act has established an Orwellian society here at home. Only executives at Haliburton possess anything even faintly resembling civil liberties. As such, the Bush Administration hopes further to expunge the freedoms we enjoy by forcing all American citizens to receive a barcode tattoo on their foreheads. This way, officials in the FBI and kindred shadowy organizations can track our every move. Members of some minority groups will receive two barcodes, one specifically for the purpose of racial profiling.

3. The Re-Writing of the Constitution by Pat Robertson Act: Although the President has a keen respect for the American Constitution, the document is simply too progressive. As a result, the Bush Administration will propose a wholesale redrafting of the document by televangelist Pat Robertson. In order to ensure that this is done fairly, Ralph Reed will oversee the process, and suggest further changes.

4. The Elimination of the State Act: It seems as if every member of the ACLU is carping on the cardinal import of the separation of Church and State in this country. President Bush entirely agrees. In fact, in order to make sure that no crossover between Church and State takes place in America, the Bush Administration offers this act, which aims to eliminate the State. Once only the Church remains, there can be no possibility of overlap.

Now, dear reader, don’t you feel better?

Posted at November 8, 2004 12:01 AM | TrackBack