November 24, 2004

No, Screw You, Clif Garboden

No, Screw You, Clif Garboden

Recently, dear reader, a correspondent from our Great Barrington (MA) office sent us a curious opinion piece penned by one Clif Garboden, the senior managing editor of The Boston Phoenix. Although it is difficult to discern, it appears as if Mr. Garboden is upset with the outcome of the recent American presidential election.

The piece, delicately titled "Screw You, America: Sometimes the Fish in the Barrel Deserve To Die," offers an oblique and nuanced condemnation of these here United States. It begins thus:

Don’t forgive my anger. All this needs to be said. And I know that as soon as that stiff-faced to-the-manure-born right-wing lackey in the White House tries to appoint a 21st-century counterpart to Roy Bean to the Supreme Court in a few weeks, more people are going to wish they said it sooner. John Kerry f***ed up. More important [sic], America f***ed up. And the people who f***ed up the most—you infamous red-staters—are going to suffer along with the rest of us. To put it in a lingo a NASCAR devotee would understand, “Ya’ll deserve a good talkin’-to.”

Charming, isn’t it? We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” can see how Mr. Garboden has risen through the editorial ranks at a prestigious free-bee newspaper that features copious ‘phone sex advertisements.

In fact, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” can’t help but admire Mr. Garboden’s vitriol. After all, who are we to cast aspersions on our hate-filled journalistic colleagues?

In addition, we particularly enjoyed the way Mr. Garboden offers a warm vision of Middle America. Is this the famous Democratic Party populism we have heard so much about? We are delighted that Mr. Garboden cares so deeply about the degenerate slush that inhabits this great country.

But we needn’t speak for Mr. Garboden, since Mr. Garboden does such a good job himself:

A lot of us effete Easterners want to know: What the f*** is wrong with you?! You voted against your self-interest at every turn (you dumb-asses in South Dakota deserve special credit for voting out one of the most powerful Democrats in the Senate) and re-elected an ignorant cowboy who can’t be trusted to remember a lunch order, never mind run a country. What in the name of God….[sic]?! Wait, it was in the name of God, wasn’t it? Rendered weak and ignorant by a spoon-fed climate of fear, you slack-jawed inbred flatlanders have sought refuge in the traditional twin towers of mindlessness—jingoistic patriotism and fundamentalist religion.

Gee, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are awed by the command of logic Mr. Garboden displays. He’s not just some mindless nitwit hurling epithets. No, that would be too “inbred.” Rather, he has offered his readers a subtle—if slightly effete—argument.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have only one question: What the heck is a “spoon-fed climate of fear”? We don’t want to come across as a bunch of “slack-jawed inbred flatlanders,” but we have the sneaking suspicion that Mr. Garboden has offered us some rather poor writing. Perhaps even a NASCAR devotee could realize its kindergarten-esque flaws.

Still, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” want to offer Mr. Garboden huzzahs for presenting his readers with an inordinately lengthy article without any semblance of an argument. That’s pretty impressive: Normally, even the most pathetic congeries of mean-spirited fluff occasionally stoops to the level of “argument” once in a while. But not Mr. Garboden’s work.

May we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemongeer’s Quarterly,” humbly suggest that Mr. Garboden receive a position in President Bush’s cabinet? Not, of course, as a representative of the Bush administration, but in one of his cupboards.

Posted at November 24, 2004 01:01 AM | TrackBack