November 26, 2004

It’s the Most Wonderful Time

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year—According to Capitalist Oppressors

Well, dear reader, today is the busiest shopping day of the year. Whilst you waste away in a cubicle fretting over useless busy work, millions of Americans are out spreading holiday cheer by purchasing all sorts of gifts for their respective loved ones. Kind of makes you feel like a surly loner, doesn’t it?

Indeed, dear reader, the day after Thanksgiving is always a hectic time. And yet there are some who hope that it would be far less so.

To whom, you may be asking yourself, does the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” refer? We’re glad you asked.

A few years ago, a junior editor here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”—let’s just call him “Chip”—was accosted by a youthful ne’er-do-well, who urged “Chip” not to purchase anything on the day after Thanksgiving.

And why, you may ask, was this young derelict exhorting “Chip” to keep his wallet shut? Was it to celebrate Casino Day, a new holiday in which Native Americans can glory in the filthy lucre they have won from their manifold gambling establishments? No, sir.

Rather, this dimwitted post-adolescent hoped that manifold Americans would refrain from purchasing gifts, in order to protest against the disgraceful consumer culture we all inhabit. By not buying presents, it seems, we would come one collective step closer to the wonders of Communism.

Well, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” had to admire some things about this fellow. After all, he was right: Not many lucky inhabitants of Communist countries would receive gifts for the holidays—as those holidays are of religious import, and only the high-ups in the classless society of Communism would have the expendable cash to afford such goodies.

Even so, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” had the sneaking suspicion that this fellow’s idea wasn’t so great. Suppose all Americans refrained from their holiday purchases. We have a hard time believing that the economic effects of this would be benign. Unless you consider everyone losing his or her job and eating garbage benign. (And if you do, you’re a libertarian.)

Intrigued by the striking lack of forethought on the part of this fellow, “Chip” strolled up to him and asked him the following question: Do you have a job? Naturally, “Chip” expected this fellow to reply that he slaved away for The Socialist Workers Magazine, or held some other suitably anti-capitalist occupation.

But no: This fellow informed “Chip” that he worked for IBM. IBM? Oh, come on, Mr. Marxist! We hated to quote Stokley Carmichael (we much prefer Hoagy Carmichael), but if you ain’t part of the solution, you are part of the problem. Or something.

So, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have a message for our readers: Please refrain from buying any IBM goods for the holidays, and perhaps this ignoramus will lose his job.

Posted at November 26, 2004 12:01 AM | TrackBack