December 08, 2004

The Self-Incriminations Begin As we

The Self-Incriminations Begin

As we noted in yesterday’s post, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” received nary a nomination for the 2004 Weblog Awards. Naturally, this caused much displeasure here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly.”

We mean, come on: Not one measly nomination? Not even for “Best Horse Thief” or “Most Likely To Be a Subsistence Farmer”? Any way you look at it, it’s just downright embarrassing.

As a result, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are not taking our lumps lying down. On the contrary. Much like the Kerry campaign, we are beginning a festival of post-mortem incrimination. No one—not even “Chip”—is protected from biting criticism.

And what, you may be asking yourself, is so wretchedly sub-par about our humble “weblog”? The Official Blame Department at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” has been pondering this very question for literally minutes, and has come up with some illuminating answers.

First, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” should note that our humble “weblog” isn’t exactly on the cutting edge of Internet aesthetics. Whereas other “weblogs” feature nifty graphics and impressive fonts, our “website” looks as if it were put together by a small group of mildly retarded fourth-graders. The Irish Elk has all the latest gizmos for “web design,” and we put our “weblog” together with a butter churner and a ball of twine. And frankly, we’re such a bunch of Luddites that we haven’t figured out how to use the ball of twine yet.

But let us not pour contumely only upon the heads of the Official “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Technical Department. There is plenty of censure to go around.

After all, dear reader, the Official Ideas Department of our humble “weblog” isn’t exactly a pack of budding geniuses. Instead of harping on topical humor we all can enjoy, our vaguely crack and somewhat youngish staff constantly beats horses that have died years ago. We mean, come on: How original is a post excoriating Phil Collins? Joe Queenan beat us to that eons ago.

Naturally, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” could go on and on about our collective sins. But, as you can tell, this is a rather painful process.

As such, we’ll simply take a page out of the Democratic playbook and blame our own failings on the pseudo-moral indignation of a bunch of inbred, homophobic born-again Christians. You see, dear reader, it’s all their fault.

Man, that felt good. We’ll have to listen to Joe Lockhart more often.

Posted at December 8, 2004 12:01 AM | TrackBack