December 13, 2004

Don’t Know Much Biology For

Don’t Know Much Biology

For those of us inhabiting planet earth, the Norwegian Nobel Committee would seem to have a little egg on its face. After all, it granted the Nobel Peace Prize to one Yasser “She’s My Baby” Arafat, a man who, to put it mildly, had some oblique connections to terrorism. In addition, the venerable Nobel Committee also handed this award to one Jimmy Carter, a man who, to put it mildly, was a disappointing president, and who, to put it mildly again, wrote some insubstantial poetry.

As a result, dear reader, one would think that the Nobel Committee would be a bit more careful in doling out Peace Prizes in the future; one wouldn’t want, say, Robert Mugabe blithely to display the award on his mantelpiece.

Ah, but you would think wrong, dear reader. As has been recently reported, one Wangari Maathai, a professional biologist from Kenya, received the Nobel Peace Prize.

And who, you may be asking yourself, is Wangari Maathai? Well, we’re glad you asked. In fact, we’re always happy when you pose questions that are so useful to our train of thought. But we digress.

Anyway, Wangari Maathai helped plant millions of trees in Kenya through her Green Belt Movement. That sounds all fine and good, you say. Naturally, we hope that no lizards were killed during the planting of the trees. Sure, this may not exactly be tantamount to the achievement of peace in our time, but it sure beats Jimmy Carter’s poetry.

But, dear reader, there’s one little problem. It seems as if Ms. Maathai—a professional biologist, mind you—has some peculiar thoughts on a rather infamous disease known as AIDS.

To be more specific, dear reader, The New York Times reports that Ms. Maathai said the following:

AIDS is not a curse from God to Africans or the black people. It is a tool to control them designed by some evil-minded scientists.

To which we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” respond: Oh, dear. You lost us after the “curse” part. Naturally, the Nobel Prize-winning scientist opined that whitey is to blame for AIDS.

In an inept response, Ms. Maathai pleaded that her remarks had been taken out of context. Ah, yes: The old Trent Lott Defense—“I’m sorry if my remarks gave you the impression that they gave you.” That ought to pass the test.

And pass the test it did: The Nobel Committee has officially blessed Ms. Maathai with their impressively prestigious award.

This has all made us, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” wonder: Is there anything that would disqualify someone from this impressive award? When will Louis Farrakhan receive the prize?

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have, as the result of literally minutes of reflection, decided to recommend Robert Mugabe for next year’s Nobel Peace Prize. Sure, only 47 percent of the crack young staff is Norwegian, and thus we may not have that much clout with the committee. But we’re going to do everything in our—significant—power to lobby on behalf of Mr. Mugabe.

In fact, we feel as if Mr. Mugabe is the very embodiment of peace. He’s a man of pacifism in the great tradition of Joseph Stalin, Idi Amin, and Saddam Hussein.

Now, if we could only convince him to write some horrid poetry…

Posted at December 13, 2004 01:01 AM | TrackBack