December 20, 2004

Outsourcing Lou Dobbs Do you,

Outsourcing Lou Dobbs

Do you, dear reader, enjoy your entertainment unentertaining? If so, you are probably one of the three people in these here United States of America who watches Lou Dobbs, one member of CNN’s scintillating line-up of tedious hosts.

Mr. Dobbs, who has the fortune to possess Donald-Trump-meets-Pigs-in-Space good-looks, is a self-important popinjay. In addition, the only person more downright dull than Mr. Dobbs is CNN’s Dan Brown—and we’re not even sure the latter has a pulse.

And what, you may be asking yourself, makes Mr. Dobbs so irksome? Gosh, we’re glad you asked. For starters, Mr. Dobbs is always prattling on about outsourcing. Just because he had an insta-book on the subject ghostwritten under his name, Mr. Dobbs appears to believe that he is the world’s leading expert. When Mr. Dobbs isn’t pontificating on outsourcing, he’s opining on illegal immigration.

As a result of Mr. Dobbs’ impressive erudition, he garners a large viewing audience each evening—only slightly fewer people than those who watch reruns of “Who’s the Boss” and nuns knitting drink cozies. If he isn’t careful, soon enough his program on CNN will tout lower ratings than the Comb-Over Network and the Racketeering Channel. Or, even worse, C-Span.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” can’t quite decide whether Mr. Dobbs is more boring than he is self-important, or more self-important than he is boring. In fact, we feel as if this question is kind of like one of those queries for Zen masters: If a tree falls in the forest, will it strike Howard Dean? We here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” are no Zen masters, and thus we couldn’t begin to answer such a brainteaser, but we surely hope so.

After literally minutes of viewing Mr. Dobbs on television, one of the junior editors here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”—let’s just call him “Chip”—had a magnificent idea. He figured that we should outsource Lou Dobbs.

We don’t mean to pat ourselves on our collective back, but we think that’s simply brilliant. We would happily watch a poorly compensated twelve-year-old take Mr. Dobbs’ place at the anchor desk.

We know what you are thinking, dear reader: What if this malnourished pre-teen doesn’t know a word of English? We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” firmly believe that CNN would still get higher ratings from this youngster.

Posted at December 20, 2004 12:01 AM | TrackBack