December 24, 2004
An Official “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” “Web”-Quiz
An Official “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” “Web”-Quiz
Recently, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have been fussing and fuming about our recent un-popularity. As we mentioned in yesterday’s post, we haven’t exactly been the World-Wide Web’s answer to Jay Leno. And, quite frankly, even before our sudden downturn in hits, we weren’t exactly Craig Kilborn. Or Merv Griffin. Or Charo.Anyway, this has all compelled us, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” to ponder the ways in which we can revive our sagging “weblog.”
And then it hit us: Why not offer a tepid “web”-quiz, which presents to other “webloggers” an assortment of insipid questions? Through such a quiz, of course, manifold “webloggers” will link to our humble musings, as they pine to answer the questions we pose.
You, dear reader, have probably seen this kind of thing before: A dull “website” offers a list of hum-drum queries, and “webloggers” rush to offer their own snarky responses.
Without further ado, then, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” hope to be that dull “website,” and offer our own vaguely unsatisfying quiz below. If this doesn’t garner some attention, we have the feeling that we’ll become really desperate.
An Official “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Tepid “Web”-Quiz Designed To Boost the Crack Young Staff’s Rapidly Declining Hits
1. If you had slept with Bob Novak and Paul Begala, could you still watch “Crossfire”?
2. Who has more religious authority: Rev. Jesse Jackson, Rev. Al Sharpton, or Rev. Sun Yung Moon?
3. Which drink is the lamest: Diet Fresca, Zima, or V-8?
4. Don’t you hate it when writers forget to offer the correct punctuation at the end of their sentences.
5. What’s the best adjective to describe documentary filmmaker Michael Moore?
6. A fight breaks out between Paris Hilton and Hilton Kramer. Who wins?
7. Name three actors who have had more disappointing film careers than Whoopi Goldberg.
Well, dear reader, that ought to do it. Just in case you’re interested, we offer our own snarky answers to our tepid questions below:
“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Snarky Answers to Our Own Tepid Questions
1. If you had slept with Bob Novak and Paul Begala, could you still watch “Crossfire”?
This question implies that we watch “Crossfire” in the first place. We would never stoop so low. The female members of the crack young staff, however, find Paul Begala attractive—as does one of our androgynous male interns. There’s something about a man with a big forehead…
2. Who has more religious authority: Rev. Jesse Jackson, Rev. Al Sharpton, or Rev. Sun Yung Moon?
This is a trick question: Jessica Hahn has more religious authority than these three clowns. The female members of the crack young staff, however, find Rev. Jesse Jackson attractive—as does one of our androgynous male interns. There’s something about a man with a big forehead…
3. Which drink is the lamest: Diet Fresca, Zima, or V-8?
Another trick question. The lamest drink is surely O’Douls: All the great beer taste without that annoying buzz.
4. Don’t you hate it when writers forget to offer the correct punctuation at the end of their sentences.
Yes?
5. What’s the best adjective to describe documentary filmmaker Michael Moore?
Fat.
6. A fight breaks out between Paris Hilton and Hilton Kramer. Who wins?
Hilton Kramer, hands down. We mean that literally: He won’t even have to use his hands.
7. Name three actors who have had more disappointing film careers than Whoopi Goldberg.
Boy, this is tough. We’ll go with Ralph Macchio, Adrian Zmed, and Foghorn Leghorn. But, quite frankly, we like some of Mr. Leghorn’s earlier work.
