“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Christmas

“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Christmas Party

We here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” have too keen a commitment to our three or four readers to take such an unnecessary break. Why go on holiday when there are plenty of useless jokes to make? We don’t mean to toot our own horns, but we think that’s a wonderful question.

Naturally, dear reader, you are wondering about a couple of things. First, when will the results to the Official First Annual “Worst Academic Paper Title” Competition be announced? We don’t mean to toot your own horn, but we think that’s a wonderful question.

Unfortunately, the contest’s Official Judges are currently on holiday hiatus (with hiatal hernias and hyetal hernias), and we shall have to await their return before we announce the victor. Rest assured, however, that we shall soon announce a winner, and that this person—unlike the most recent Nobel Peace Prize recipient—doesn’t think AIDS is the result of an evil scientist’s plot to kill Africans.

With that in mind, dear reader, we can move on to your next pressing query: What happened at this year’s “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Christmas Party? We’re glad you asked.

As you no doubt know, dear reader, our Christmas Party is one of our most treasured annual events. Sure, “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” isn’t yet a year old, and thus there’s never been a Christmas Party before. But we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” feel confident in predicting that this fete will become a great tradition.

So, enough with the prognostications, you say, and get on to the good stuff. What happened at the Official “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Christmas Party? Did “Chip” hook up with “Chip”?

Good questions, those. Frankly, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” must admit that the party was something of a tepid event.

Indeed, there was lots of good music to be heard—if by “good music” you mean Paul McCartney’s feculent tune “Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time.” In fact, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” consider this song so offensive that it has compelled us to disqualify Mr. McCartney from being our collective favorite member of the Beatles. Now we’re into Ringo; he’s really dreamy.

In addition, dear reader, the entire crack young staff crawled away from its dim, lifeless cubicles, and pretended as if it would ever spend free-time with the assembled throng if the party weren’t mandatory. Naturally, a few of the secretaries flirted with some of the senior editors, in hopes that they would sleep their way up the slippery totem pole that is “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly.” (Talk about a mixed metaphor!)

So, dear reader, we regret to tell you that there isn’t much gossip to report. Except for the stuff about Eileen: She’s such a slut.