December 31, 2004

A Presidential Candidate Gets Skinned

A Presidential Candidate Gets Skinned

We here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” are delighted that the 2004 presidential election is over. Sure, we like politics as much as the next truculent homicidal subversive, but a number of us treasure the end to the bitter political feuding. In fact, a few of us pine for President Bush to offer some Arafat-style democracy: He’ll tell the country that we no longer need elections, and stay in office forever. Seems to have worked for the PLO.

Regardless of our surfeit of presidential politics, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” stumbled upon a story about November’s election so important—nay, crucial—that we felt the need to discuss it in today’s humble post.

One of the junior editors here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”—let’s just call him “Chip”—had been looking in to the profiles and platforms of the lesser-known candidates for president. You know, like John Kerry.

Anyway, he came across something very interesting. Apparently, someone named Chris P. Carrot mounted an unsuccessful bid for president. His photograph, which can be found on his “website,” is incriminating, to say the least.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are not experts in identifying people’s ages, but we have the distinct impression that Mr. Chris P. Carrot can only be around 12 years old. In addition, he’s a carrot.

This breaks two cardinal rules of the American electoral process: Candidates for president must be at least 35 years of age; in addition, they can’t be carrots. Actually, we’re not totally certain of the latter rule, but we’re pretty sure that’s true. After all, a carrot has never made it higher in the American political system than congressman. (Joe Scarbarough, for those of you who do not know, is a carrot.)

Just when you think that Chris P. Carrot’s illegal run for our nation’s highest office was sufficiently awful, it gets even worse. It appears that his vice-presidential running-mate, Colonel Corn, isn’t a day over 15. This makes Mr. Corn’s claim to a military rank quite suspicious. In addition, he’s an ear of corn.

But wait, dear reader; it gets worse. On his “website,” Colonel Corn identifies the following cause as most near and dear to his heart: “I support a Middle East peas for peace process.” Not only is that nonsensical, it’s ridiculously unfunny.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are appalled that American election officials would allow such clearly unqualified vegetables to run for president of these here United States of America.

Thank God Chris P. Carrot and Colonel Corn only received a few more votes than Ralph Nader.

Posted at December 31, 2004 12:01 AM | TrackBack