January 11, 2005

Serenity Vibration Healing? On a

Serenity Vibration Healing?

On a number of occasions, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have used this space to dilate on the inanities of New Age mysticism. Whether it be so-called “Radical Honesty,” inane horoscopes, or urine therapy, we’ve concluded that these pseudo-spiritual ideas are, at the very best, one crystal short of a full deck.

After we took a gander in a New Age magazine at an advertisement for something called Serenity Vibration Healing, however, we were compelled to recognize something else about our touchy-feely friends: Oftentimes, they appear to leave the New Age remedies they are pushing intentionally vague, so that their dunderheaded audience doesn’t realize the degree to which their self-touted panaceas are nothing but charlatanry.

Don’t believe us? Well, then, Mr. and Mrs. Skeptic, take a look at the following description of “Serenity Vibration Healing”:

and Enlightenment Technique
Instructed by Christine Regnier

The Serenity Vibration Healing and Enlightenment Technique is an ancient tool that unlocks hidden pathways to Mastery Profiles, which once unveiled, will anchor you to the path you planned with the Creator for this lifetime.

Begin unveiling forgotten gifts that have awaited this time of expansion. Vanquish random inner-dialog [sic] and enhance your clarity by releasing ancient shackles that have held you in bondage, blocking you from an abundance of love, vitality and prosperity.

Now, can anyone on God’s green earth—excuse us, the Creator’s green earth—tell us what any of these sentences mean? For a therapy so interested in “Enlightenment,” this program appears to be surprisingly nebulous.

For instance, dear reader, take another gander at what may be the most lackluster sentence in the bunch: “Begin unveiling forgotten gifts that have awaited this time of expansion.” Even by the—very, very low—standards of New Age prose, this is awful. What the heck is “this time of expansion”? Is that some sort of fat joke?

Just in case you did not find this description suitably confusing, the folks behind “Serenity Vibration Healing” have helpfully offered a list of goals for the technique. We have listed some of them below, to which we have affixed our own humble commentary:

Connect to your God Self at a cosmic level, within the Divinity Core.

Have you started to notice that our New Age friends routinely offer Entirely Meaningless Capitalization?

Discover the Sacred Temple within you and accelerate your path to mastery and remembering.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” don’t believe that we have an inner sacred temple (or Sacred Temple). We haven’t put on that much weight?

Learn to roll back in time to initiate healing at the instant of brokenness.

Hmmm. If we have read this correctly, our New Age friends are claiming that they are in possession of a time machine.

Learn how to heal yourself, clients and the people you love.

An odd order, that. Why would we care so much about “clients”? Perhaps “Serenity Vibration Healing” is meant for prostitutes? Or, worse still, hairdressers?

Learn how to remove curses, wedges, alien genetics, non-serving covenants and vows, karma, past trauma, brokenness from rape/molest [sic] and past life events that are affecting this incarnation.

Oh, thank God! We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have been dying to rid ourselves of “alien genetics” for years now. Finally, someone has answered our prayers!

Now, if we could only scrape up $495 for the session…

Posted at January 11, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack