January 21, 2005

Introducing International Q.U.E.S.T.I.O.N. Yesterday, dear

Introducing International Q.U.E.S.T.I.O.N.

Yesterday, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” planned to be glued to our staff television screens, eagerly taking in coverage of the President’s inauguration.

And then something collectively struck us: The inauguration is boring as heck. Sure, there’s a float that looks like Spiro Agnew. Still, the television coverage was so dull that we figured we might as well check out the Food Network.

Or, worse yet, C-Span.

As such, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quartelry,” forced ourselves to stop listening to Howard Fineman rant about Dick Cheney, and tuned in C-Span 2 (this time it’s personal) instead.

And what, you may be asking yourself, did we see? Well, dear reader, we’re glad we made you ask. Our friends at C-Span 2 (this time it’s personal) were broadcasting a lackluster protest hosted by the sordid collective called International A.N.S.W.E.R.

Apparently, dear reader, the acronym that serves as this radical left-wing group’s last name stands for something like “Act Now To Stop War and End Racism.” Or perhaps “A Noxious Smattering of Enthusiastic, Witless Rogues.” Or maybe “Dimwitted Buffoons Who Don’t Shower.”

Anyway, the geniuses behind International A.N.S.W.E.R. seemed to have everything necessary for a moronic protest: Placards boasting slogans that demonstrate their holders’ moral imbecility (of the “Bush & Cheney = America’s Taliban” variety), and a microphone. Oh, and lots of hemp.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” enjoyed an afternoon full of overwrought speeches by a passel of sordid college kids a few hacky-sacks short of a full deck. This, dear reader, was pure television magic.

And then it collectively struck us: Why not start our own protest organization? If International A.N.S.W.E.R. is so hell-bent on opposing the Bush-Cheney junta, who’s going to oppose them?

We don’t mean to toot our own collective horn, but we thought that these were some darn fine queries. As such, a few of the senior editors here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”—let’s just call them “Chip”—decided to inaugurate (if you will) our own anti-International A.N.S.W.E.R. protest cabal:

International Q.U.E.S.T.I.O.N.

Naturally, dear reader, you want to know the hundred-dollar question: What does the Q.U.E.S.T.I.O.N. stand for? Frankly, we couldn’t come up with a good slogan. That “Q” is a real killer. Accordingly, we decided to forgo the whole “acronym” business, and tell you that Q.U.E.S.T.I.O.N. stands for “We Hate Utopian Hippies Who Carp on the Purported Sins of America Whilst Overlooking Brutal Regimes Elsewhere in the World.” It ain’t particularly catchy, but we think it’s spot on.

And what, you may be asking yourself, is International Q.U.E.S.T.I.O.N.’s mission? The group hopes to show up at every International A.N.S.W.E.R. meeting and offer an array of placards opposed to International A.N.S.W.E.R. that are equally dunderheaded. In addition, the group aims to purchase a microphone, and yell ridiculous slogans at the folks at International A.N.S.W.E.R.

To put it in tic-tac-toe form, the group will be the Norman O. Brown to their Malcolm X. Well, that really doesn’t make sense, but you see where we were going.

When they brandish posters with catchy slogans such as “Bush lied; millions died,” we’ll respond with placards that read “Shut up, you stupid trust-fund hippie.”

Posted at January 21, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack