February 02, 2005

Our Secret Love, or The

Our Secret Love, or The Face That Launched a Thousand Shifts

For a goodly amount of time, dear reader, the male members of the crack young staff here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” have been irritating the heck out of the female members with their lovelorn ways. To misquote musical genius Duke Ellington, they’ve got it bad and that ain’t good. To misquote musical buffoons Wilson Phillips, they’re in love—that’s the way it should be, and we want them to be happy.

It appears as if pretty much every fellow here on staff is head over heels in love with the same coquettish vixen. Except for Ted, of course: He’s into guys.

Anyway, dear reader, you are no doubt wondering what charming minx is worthy of the affections (and affectations) of the male crack young staffers. Is it Paris Hilton? Or the non-anorexic Olsen twin? Or, more remotely, Barbara Boxer?

To which we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” reply: No, sir. The hunks here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” have their collective eyes focused on a gorgeous creature they’ve seen day-in and day-out for months.

By now, dear reader, you have no doubt guessed exactly whom we mean: This woman—the Yahoo Mail woman.

If you have not done so, dear reader, we invite you to take a gander at this bewitching enchantress. Sure, this picture of her only presents the viewer with a small portion of her body. Still, the men here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” are so taken aback by this photograph that they’re willing to sweep her off her feet (if she has feet) without even taking a gander at the rest.

Sure, the picture doesn’t offer a view of her upper forehead. For all we know, Ms. Yahoo Mail may be bald. She could even have some sort of Gorbachev birthmark deal. But the guys here will take her all the same.

By now, dear reader, many of the feminists among you are probably saying to yourselves: “How typical of men! They fall in love with the first comely lower forehead they see. They don’t even care if their prospective mate has anything resembling a personality.”

To which we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” respond: Hold on now, Gloria Steinem. We happen to possess evidence that Ms. Yahoo Mail is not just easy on the eyes. Rather, she’s possesses a rare intellect.

Why, just take a gander at the statement she wrote that is affixed to her beauteous photograph: “Yahoo Mail helps me stay in touch.” Okay, so it ain’t exactly T.S. Eliot, but it’s obviously a complete sentence, which makes her a better writer than most college graduates.

So, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” humbly exhort you to ask the staff of Yahoo Mail for some information on Ms. Yahoo Mail for our lovesick male staff.

After all, it’s far better for them to be in love with Ms. Yahoo Mail than Ms. Yahoo Male.

Posted at February 2, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack