February 09, 2005
Bumper Sticker Blues As regular
Bumper Sticker Blues
As regular readers with extraordinarily good memories may recall, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” can’t stand bumper stickers. Even when people think that a given bumper sticker is clever—say, “My Boss Is a Jewish Carpenter,” or “Imagine Whirled Peas”—we ineluctably consider it atrocious.If we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” had to choose what vehicular eyesores to view on the backside of our fellow drivers’ Ford Tauruses, we’d actually prefer those snooty stickers that inform us that you attended Beaver College.
Anyway, dear reader, we have had reason to reflect upon our distaste for bumper stickers for one very good reason: A ridiculous number of people have kept their presidential election bumper stickers on their automobiles.
We don’t think we’re overstating matters by claiming that this is a horrendous catastrophe. Sure, it isn’t worse than what happened in Rwanda. (Well, according to the UN it may be.) And it isn’t as bad as Rick Astley’s singing career. But it’s upsetting all the same.
And it is all in stark contrast to the end of the Democratic primaries. If we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” remember correctly, pretty much every Howard Dean sticker was removed from every Volvo in this country faster than you can say “Yaaaarrrrhh.” The erstwhile Democratic frontrunner swiftly became that retarded uncle that nobody likes to talk about.
But, unlike your retarded uncle, Howard Dean supports civil unions. And your retarded uncle has better manners. But we collectively digress.
Unfortunately, dear reader, we have spied bevies of Bush/Cheney and Kerry/What’s-His-Name stickers—even though it has been some time since the election. Perhaps W. fans are still gloating. Perhaps Kerry fan(s) is/are still mortified.
Regardless, dear reader, we want these awful eyesores gone. And we think we have just the plan.
Late at night, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” aim to replace Bush bumper stickers with McGovern bumper stickers. If that doesn’t get rid of the menace faster than you can say “Neat and Clean for Eugene,” then nothing will. In addition, we shall replace Kerry bumper stickers with Pat Buchanan bumper stickers. Democrats’ fellow yoga classmates won’t find those too fetching, now will they?
On second thought, Pat Buchanan and the Democrats are starting to agree on foreign policy. And Israel. Hmmm. Perhaps we need a better idea?
