February 10, 2005
Announcing the First Official Greatest
Announcing the First Official Greatest Norwegian Award
A few days ago, one of the senior editors here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”—let’s just call him “Chip”—came across an Associated Press report that gorgeously encapsulates the problems with the Nobel Peace Prize. It reads as follows:Court Clears Execution for Crips Gang Leader
San Francisco—A Federal appeals court yesterday refused to consider blocking the execution of Stanley “Tookie” Williams, a founder of the notorious Crips gang who was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize while in prison. The US Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit declined to grant a new hearing on Williams’s claim that prosecutors violated his rights when they dismissed all potential black jurors. Williams will appeal to the Supreme Court, said defense lawyer Andrea Asaro. Williams was sentenced to death in 1982 for killing a store clerk and also was convicted of killing three other people.
We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” don’t want to cast aspersions, but we feel as if Mr. Williams—or “Tookie,” as we never call him—is manifestly under-qualified for any Peace Prize.
And this, dear reader, has nothing to do with the fact that approximately 47 percent of our staff are members of the Bloods. Rather, we collectively feel as if Mr. Williams should be disqualified because he killed people.
We do not mean, however, to belittle Mr. Williams’ heart-warming journey of self-discovery, upon which he realized that peace is more easily obtainable if you don’t murder people. Although we have not read up on Mr. Williams’ history, we’re sure that his post-conviction realization that killing is, for lack of a better word, wrong makes for a compelling story.
Still, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” think it was undignified of the distinguished panel of the Nobel Peace Prize to nominate a cold-blooded killer. After all, there must have been a few people around who had never committed murder. What about Sophia Loren?
But perhaps we are asking too much of the Nobel Peace Prize committee. Perhaps we are asking too much of Norway, the home country of the Nobel Peace Prize.
Instead of spending our days pondering such thoughts, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” aim on getting even. If the Nobel Peace Prize committee insists on nominating such unsavory American characters as Mr. Williams, and giving the award to such unsavory Americans as Jimmy Carter and such unsavory Egyptians as Yasser Arafat, we aim to take them down a peg or two.
As a result, dear reader, we are pleased as purple peacocks to present:
The First Official Greatest Norwegian Award
We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are currently accepting nominations for our First Official “Greatest Norwegian Award,” which will be presented to the most nefarious deadbeat in Norwegian history. If the Norwegians enjoy celebrating the invented magnanimity of various American scoundrels, we hope to laud the most disgraceful human in Norwegian history.
Our Official Greatest Norwegian Award Committee exhorts you to send it the name of the most odious, repellent Norwegian you can dredge up. Soon, we shall announce the winner, and praise him to the skies. Please, dear reader, send us a nomination, and give Norway a taste of its own medicine.
