February 21, 2005

Uninteresting Secrets Revealed! As dutiful

Uninteresting Secrets Revealed!

As dutiful readers of this humble “weblog” well know, “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” has been around for some time. Sure, it’s not yet one year old; still, in the world of the World-Wide Web, that’s is a pretty long run. Our career has officially lasted longer than Carrot Top’s. Which reminds us: When do we get to appear in some obnoxious collect call advertisements?

That is to say, dear reader, “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” is no longer the New Kid on the Block. (Gee, that would make a great name for a really aesthetically uncompromising rock-n-roll group.)

Anyway, what we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are trying to get at is the fact that we serve as an inspiration for sundry fledgling “webloggers.” Nary a day goes by, it seems, without our e-mail box receiving a message from such a newcomer to “webloggery,” if you will.

In such e-epistles, “weblogging” tyros laud our impressive skills. How, they ask, do you people put together a mediocre “weblog” that receives well nigh five hits a week? Or words to that effect. In short, they yearn to know the secrets to our success.

If by “success” you mean “almost complete anonymity as unheralded hacks for an obscure ‘weblog.’” And, hey, we don’t know about you, but that sure means “success” in our books.

Normally, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” don’t like to offer much in the way of a response to such e-missives. And that is the case for a number or reasons. Well, two reasons, actually. But, hey, two is a number.

First, we hope that our fellow “webloggers” will find their own path to semi-inspired mediocrity. We don’t want to dictate to people how to run a tepid “weblog.” What would be the fun in that?

And, second, we aren’t thrilled about giving away some of our big secrets. Although it seems really easy, it’s actually rather difficult to run a “weblog” with a staff of fewer than 250 people. Especially when nearly 47 percent of the staff is female.

Even so, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” figured that we should answer these plaintive e-scribblings in today’s humble post. That way, we can make sure that every aspiring “weblogger” gets a peek at the tricks of the trade. It’s our way of giving back to the community. And, yes, it counts as community service.

As such, below you will find a few handpicked secrets to our collective success. These serve as just a few reasons why “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” is a beloved destination in Al Gore’s World-Wide Web.

A Few Official Secrets to the Luke-Warm Success of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”

1. Absolutely No Diversity: Unlike pretty much every company in these here United States of America, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” realize that “diversity” is meaningless. Accordingly, staff members here are virtually indistinguishable. And almost everyone goes by the sobriquet “Chip.”

2. Inspirational Posters: Sure, other “webloggers” may guffaw at the inspiring slogans that adorn the walls of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” headquarters. But nothing gets our creative juices flowing quite like exhortations to “get your creative juices flowing.”

3. New Low Fat Pringles.

4. Magazine Subscriptions: When we have trouble coming up with new ideas, we often take a gander at some other fine humor journals. You know, like Renaissance Quarterly, Mother Jones, and Radical Teacher. After all, as Rich Little never told us, nothing says “funny” quite like Radical Teacher.

Well, dear reader, there’s a few juicy tidbits to get you started. We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” will serve up another batch soon—provided we can’t come up with a better idea.

Posted at February 21, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack