April 22, 2005

Earth Third!

Earth Third!

Recently, dear reader, one of the junior editors here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”—let’s just call him “Chip”—was trolling around on Al Gore’s World-Wide Web, in search of environmental groups to join.

“Chip,” we hasten to add, isn’t particularly interested in the environment. He’s not sufficiently dedicated to the environment’s destruction to spray aerosol cans in the air all day. But he’s not exactly a hemp-clad tree-hugger, either.

Why, you may be asking yourself, would “Chip” spend his copious leisure hours hunting for an environmental cabal? The reason, dear reader, is simple: Just like any other fellow, “Chip” was doing it for the ladies.

For “Chip” had heard from another junior editor at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”—let’s just call him “Chip”—that chicks dig tree-huggers. And some of the female members of the crack young staff—let’s just call them “Chip”—thought this was true, too.

Anyway, dear reader, “Chip,” on his quest for a suitably hippie-esque enclave, was struck by the “website” of Earth First!, a group that demonstrates its enthusiasm for the environment through its use of an exclamation mark. These aren’t people who care about the earth second, the organization’s moniker shouts.

But it was not only Earth First!’s use of punctuation that intrigued “Chip.” Rather, he was interested in the group’s self-description.

Below you’ll find portions of this description, to which we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have affixed our own humble commentary.

About Earth First!

Are you tired of namby-pamby environmental groups?

Yes! Yes, we are. Most assuredly we are.

Are you tired of overpaid corporate environmentalists who suck up to bureaucrats and industry?

Well, we wouldn’t put it quite that way, but we guess we are. Yes, we suppose we are.

Have you become disempowered by the reductionist approach of environmental professionals and scientists?

Ummm. You seem to have lost us with this last question. We can’t say that this has ever really troubled us. That’s too bad, because we were totally with you on the first two.

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then Earth First! is for you.

Okay, then! Earth First! it is! Where do we get the chicks?

Earth First! takes a decidedly different tack toward environmental issues. We believe in using all the tools in the tool box, ranging from grassroots organizing and involvement in the legal process to civil disobedience and monkeywrenching.

Wow, that’s an awfully large toolbox. How do you fit both “grassroots organizing” and “involvement in the legal process” in there? The crack young staff’s toolbox only fits monkeywrenches.

There are no “members” of Earth First!, only Earth First!ers. It is a belief in biocentrism, that life on Earth comes first, and a practice of putting our beliefs into action.

Aw, man! You mean you guys are a pack of discriminators? How dare you privilege the Earth over, say, Mercury! If you ask us, that’s totally despicable.

In fact, this has all proved so troubling to us that we have decided to start our own environmental group. We call it Earth Third!

What’s second and first, you ask? Well, second is Antonio Banderas, of course. And first? Uranus.

Posted at April 22, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack