May 12, 2005
Political Correctness: A Humble Plea
Political Correctness: A Humble Plea
Many of our friends on the political Right are often bleating about the ridiculousness of political correctness. For well nigh two decades—ever since acid wash jeans and Gary Hart were popular (and ever since Michael Hardt was not popular)—conservatives have ridiculed the rise of what they have deemed PC thought control.Yet we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” happen to think that PC is just fine and dandy. Sure, you can’t refer to your friend Philip as a “homosexual” anymore; rather, thanks to the gift of PC-speak, you have to call him “heterosexually challenged.”
And, sure, you can’t call your African-American friend a “colored person” anymore; rather, you have to label him a “person of color.” For some reason, “colored person” is a ghastly affront and “person of color” is more PC than a transgender wheelchair.
Sounds good to us.
Given our collective esteem for political correctness, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are devoting today’s humble post to a deeply un-PC phenomenon in contemporary America that has long perturbed us. We hope that this humble post, unlike the UN, can change the world.
Sundry readers are undoubtedly aware of Kraft, the heavenly snack company that brings bundles of joy and Triskets to us all. But perhaps they are unaware that one of Kraft’s popular products is as militantly offensive and anti-PC as it comes.
We refer, naturally, to Cheese Nips, the mouth-watering, orange-hued snack. Perhaps, dear reader, you didn’t know that these savorous bits first received their name shortly after the start of World War II. In fact, their original name makes it crystal clear how insensitive were the executives at Kraft: “Emperor Stinko-Hito’s Fanatical Cheese Nips.”
Obviously, dear reader, these rectangular morsels were meant to be vicious anti-Asian propaganda bits. And darn tasty ones too.
We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” don’t know about you, dear reader, but we’re offended, distraught, and upset. In fact, we are sufficiently disquieted to launch our own anti-Kraft crusade. Or, better yet, we’ll write the CEO of the Kraft Corporation.
Our letter will go a little something like this.
From: The Crack Young Staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”
To: The Greedy White Guy Who’s the CEO of Kraft
Re: Your Company’s Complete Insensitivity
Dear Greedy White Guy Who’s the CEO of Kraft,
For many years, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have been deeply offended by the name of one of your fine products. Frankly, said snack has made it difficult for us to enjoy your manifold savory confections.
We refer, naturally, to Cheese Nips, which you formerly titled “Emperor Stinko-Hito’s Fanatical Cheese Nips.”
To any right-thinking person, this is simply unacceptable. Would you ever dare to upset other minority groups with such offensive snack names? Such as “Chief Longhair’s Fire-Water Biscuits,” or “Guinness”?
Obviously, sir, you would not. Accordingly, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” urge you to change the name of Cheese Nips to the less patently offensive “Cheese Japanese.”
We think you’ll agree that the internal rhyme in “Cheese Japanese” will more than make up for the removal of the old title’s racial slur.
Yours Truly,
The Crack Young Staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”
