June 06, 2005

The Dungeon Master’s Massage

The Dungeon Master’s Massage

It’s been a tough fortnight or so here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”: We’ve been compelled to work particularly hard of late in order to ensure our own shockingly derivative brand of vaguely unsatisfying humor every weekday. As a result, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” could really use a massage.

Accordingly, one of the interns here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” trolled around the Internet, in search of body rubs. Unfortunately, dear reader, he searched in vain. Apparently, it's kind of tough to find this type of service on Al Gore's World-Wide Web.

A few days ago, however, a correspondent from our Raleigh (NC) office sent us an advertisement in a local paper, which appears to offer exactly the kind of service we have been seeking. The advertisement in question reads:

Bodyrubs by Tony
Discreet, muscular, attractive male offering M4M bodyrubs and role play/fetish in Ral-Dur-CH area. Airport/RTP location. In/Out calls. Major CC’s Accepted. 919-342-6497. trianglemassages@aol.com

We know what you are thinking, dear reader: Tony sounds like an experienced masseur. And yet, we must admit that we were left a bit perplexed by Tony’s advertisement.

As such, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” decided that we would send the intrepid Tony an e-mail. It goes a little something like this:

To: Tony, the “Bodyrubber”
From: The Crack Young Staff of THMQ
Re: Group Discount, &c.

Dear Tony,

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” spied your fetching advertisement in the latest issue of some rancid freebee publication. Anyway, given the difficulty of work these last few weeks, we figured that we are in desperate need of massage therapy.

This has led us to write this e-missive to you, in order to ask a few questions about your service.

First, however, we want to inform you that we are delighted that you are “discreet, muscular,” and “attractive.” How wonderful for you.

Perhaps we aren’t that bright, but we couldn’t figure out what “M4M bodyrubs” mean. Mouth for Mouth? Month for Month? Math for Moles? Frankly, we find this all terribly confusing.

Yet we are far more perplexed by your touting of “role play/fetish.” How often does one of your clients enjoy a rousing game of Dungeons & Dragons after a massage? As far as we’re concerned, it shouldn’t be very often. And, if you are such a master at role playing, we have a hard time believing that you are “muscular” and “attractive.” After all, a prerequisite to taking part in such activities is being “wimpy” and “poorly groomed.”

In addition, if you are so darned “discreet,” why have you informed us that your name is Tony? Wouldn’t you do better to come up with an obvious pseudonym—like Carl?

Oh, and one more thing: We are one large staff. And, no, we didn’t mean that as any kind of sexual innuendo; there are actually a good number of us. Under such circumstances, is there some sort of a “discreet group discount”? Perhaps you could rub one of us down whilst partaking in Dungeons & Dragons with the others?

All the Best,
The Crack Young Staff of THMQ

Posted at June 6, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack